On Loving People With Disabilities

I’m writing this in honor of Down syndrome awareness month, but this can be applied to loving anyone with a disability. Our culture screams “acceptance,” but it hasn’t quite wrapped its mind around what that means when it comes to loving a person with a disability. Too often, our initial reaction is to take pity when we see an individual with a disability. Our hearts are in the right place, and we want to love and accept everyone around us for who they are, but good intentions don’t equal appropriate actions.

Honestly, the majority of our culture is simply ignorant. Our world has spent so many years hiding people with disabilities in institutions and keeping them away from being a part of the culture. No one knows how to really love them as they deserved to be loved as people, because the mere idea of even seeing these people as people is a new one to us. It’s a sad thing, really, and it’s time we educated ourselves to give people with disabilities the right that they have to be treated with equal respect.

First thing’s first: person first language. It might seem like such a small thing, but sometimes it is those small things that show a great deal of respect. The way we speak about a person has a real effect on the the images and attitudes we form about them, and the impression that our words leave behind can be either positive or negative. Consider for a minute how it might feel to be perceived by others by your “negative” characteristics, like if you were referred to as the “balding man,” or the “acne girl,” or the “wrinkled woman.” Putting the characteristics before the person takes away some of that person’s humanity, and it blocks the view of any positive characteristics that they might have. Individuals with disabilities are more than whatever their diagnosis is. They’re people first. We all have our own struggles--diagnosis or otherwise--but we don’t need to put an emphasis on this. That “Down syndrome boy” is more than his diagnosis of Down syndrome. He’s a brother, a son, and a friend. And yeah, he happens to have Down syndrome, too.

The most important thing of all is to remember that this is an individual person that you are interacting with. This is a person that has their own individual personality and their own individual story. It’s not fair to anyone to segregate a person into a  group based on their diagnosis. For example, “they’re all so happy” is a phrase that I often hear when I mention that I have a brother with Down syndrome. By “they,” the person is usually talking about the entire population with Down syndrome as a whole, clumping each of these individual people into a group and defining this group with a stereotype, even if this stereotype is a positive one. It takes away their humanity by ignoring their individuality. People with Down syndrome have and use a whole range of emotions, just like anyone. “They’re all so cute!” is another phrase I hear that makes me cringe. It’s the use of words like “they” and “us” that just separates us further. I think that the best way to accept a person with a disability is to notice what you have in common, instead of focusing on what they might have different about them. Stereotyping is focusing on how people with disabilities are different than the rest of us, which continues to separate and isolate them from our community.

Here’s a tip: if you’re trying to figure out if what you’re going to say is appropriate, try picturing those words with a race of people, or even a gender. “Black people are in their own little world,” or “women are all so happy!” These sound rude and stereotypical, don’t they? Well, they are. Our culture is making steps to accept and love every gender and race equally, but we still have yet to grasp that we need to be making these same steps in acceptance for people with disabilities.

I often see headlines pop up on social media about a boy who “overcame his Down syndrome and became prom king” or a girl who “sang the National Anthem despite the fact that she had autism.” We need to stop pitying people simply because they’re different. Not only that, but we need to start expecting this sort of thing as the norm. Why should we have to lower our expectations for people with disabilities? The girl can sing, she should sing. So what if she has autism? There’s no reason why a person should be denied opportunities like running for prom king based on their abilities. Especially if it’s completely unrelated, like the girl with autism. Just like anyone, people with disabilities have something awesome to offer the world, and it’s no one’s right to take that away.

I’ve had people tell me before that they get intimidated being with and around people with disabilities, and that makes me feel really sad. They’re missing out on some really great experiences and friendships. If you feel this way, I encourage you to make this something that you overcome for yourself. Don’t be afraid of people because they move or think differently than you do. All of our minds and bodies are different, but some of our differences are more obvious than others. The more you see the person with a disability as a person, the less intimidating or scary they become. It all comes down to treating people as people.

I’m not trying to be judgmental or point fingers at anyone. I get it. We’ve all been raised in a world where people with disabilities are seen as “other,” and it’s not an easy thing to change that mindset. Let’s try, though. An injustice is being done, and we should fight it. But how can we start? It’s simple, really. Here are a few ideas:

Cut down on the negative language. Or really, cut it out of your vocabulary all together. I’ve said it once and I’m saying it again. The words and language you use have a huge impact on the perception of people around you. Using words or phrases like “retarded” or “he seems to be lacking chromosomes” is derogatory and dehumanizing to real people. Just...stop. There are so many other things you can say.

Be patient, with yourself and with them. Especially when you’re working with/hanging out with a person with an intellectual disability. You’re different. Know that, but don’t focus on it.

Talk to people with disabilities, not around them. When I’m with my brother, who has Down syndrome, people tend to talk about him to me. He’s eight years old, smart as a whip, and strongly opinionated. Trust me, he can tell you anything you need to know way better than I can.  

Don’t baby talk. A 31 year old man--or even an 8 year old boy--should to be spoken to the way any person his age would be spoken to. He deserves to be treated with dignity and respect. I’ve heard respites talk to Max in a way that one might talk to an infant. “Is Max hungry? Oh yes he is!” or “Give the ball to Rachel!”

Make the interaction positive. When you see a person with a disability in the grocery store, and you know you want to acknowledge them in some way, try to find something other than “you’re so inspirational!” Are they really inspirational for going to the store to buy groceries? That sounds a little patronizing, doesn't it? Trust me, it comes across more negatively than you’d think. Compliment them like you would compliment anyone.

Honestly, props to those of you for even trying to educate yourselves. Too many of us will continue to ignore people with disabilities. We’re growing closer to acceptance and love, but we have a long way to go. Let’s make more of an effort to keep moving forward.