The Cross That I Must Bear

Okay, so I've developed a bad habit of scaring the poo poo out of people lately. It used to be that all that I would do was just get sick and faint, end of story. But now my stupid body thought it would be funny to bring it up a notch and make me have seizures. Yeah, it's not cool. At all. 
Whenever I would faint, I would usually be able to sense it coming. I might feel sick, or I'd get a sudden hot flash, or I could start to feel myself blacking out. Because I'd become aware of these things, I've usually been able to prevent myself from fainting by sitting down and putting my head in my hands. It's actually been something that I've been able to get under control, at least for the most part. 
But now, I don't feel it coming hardly at all. On Friday, when I had my first set of seizures at XLT, I did feel sick for about an hour before, but I was just ready to just handle it as I usually did and get my sister to take me home. I didn't even feel the faint coming on. One minute, I was joking around with a friend and the next I woke up to a crowd surrounding me and the next I woke up again in an ambulance. And then this past Sunday at Lifeteen, when I had the second set, I didn't even feel sick. I did feel a bit warm, so I went to the back to get a drink of water, and the next thing I knew, I woke up to a bunch of Core members around me. 
This is so hard for me. It's taken over my entire life. I'm constantly in pain. I wake up every morning and immediately go to the bathroom to throw up last night's dinner. Lately, I can't even go to the store without having to randomly sit down in the aisle, or else I will faint and scare whatever poor soul happens to be around me. Honestly, that's got to be the worst part about all this. I hate watching people suffer from seeing me suffer. I hate it.
My life has been flipped upside down. And it just seems to be getting worse. My dad made me quit my job because he's afraid of me having a seizure while I'm on my roller skates. My mom just told me today that she doesn't want me to go on anymore retreats. I guess I don't blame her, but it still hurts. And now she and my dad are talking about not letting me go to Lifeteen, because it doesn't seem like I can last even a Life night. I... I honestly don't know what I would do without Lifeteen. I don't think that they'll actually take something I care so much about - like Lifeteen is - away from me. But the thought that this could happen if things get serious enough is horrible. 
We're going to doctor after doctor, getting test after test, trying our very hardest to find what's wrong with me. But everything has come up negative so far. It's frustrating. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared. 
But, at the same time, this is so beautiful. Call me crazy for saying so, but I'm actually grateful that God has given me this cross. It's so hard, and I often feel as if I'm going to fall down from the weight of it on my shoulders, but He's given it to me for a reason. God has an amazing plan for me. I've always wanted to grow up, get married, have a huge family, and just live a normal life. While that still might happen, I've come to realize the fact that that God might have something better in store for me. I never really understood what it meant to "give God my all." I thought I had done that. Little did I realize that I just wanted to give Him my all... but only so long as I still got to do what I wanted with myself. I was hesitant to let Him work in my life farther than where I was comfortable. I thought that I was giving Him enough. As usual, I was wrong. 
As He is with all of us, God's calling me to be a saint. And I want to embrace that calling with all that I am. I've got to be willing to follow God wherever He leads me, especially if wherever that is takes me from my comfort zone. God has a perfect plan for my life. I just have to trust Him.  
I'm still scared, but it's the kind of scared where I know that God is with me, so it's okay. 

God is good, life is beautiful. Hallelujah!