Sister Sister

My God,

You're calling my sister to You, to be Your bride. And she's running to You with her arms open, ready to serve You in any way that You desire. Her love for You is endless, and I know she will make for a wonderful bride for You. You deserve someone as amazing as my big sister. She's going to look beautiful in her habit. 

Remember when I told You that I am completely Yours? Remember how I promised that anything that I had was Yours to take? Well, I meant every word. I will continue to live up to that promise every day of my life. However, I do think I'm going to need some help.I never thought that you were going to take my sister, the one person in my life that I'm closest to. I didn't realize how hard it was going to be to let go. 

My God, grant me peace. 

You see her as she goes on all those discernment retreats with the Sisters. You protect her as she travels around the country, and You guide her so that she might one day find the order that You want her to become a part of. She follows Your calling willingly and joyfully, and she never fails to come home with a thousand stories about the Sisters and how much she loved her visits with them. She always comes home so happy. And that makes me happy. 

But at the same time, never have I been so unhappy. I know You're watching over me as I sit on my bed each night she's away, afraid of the sacrifice You're calling me to make for the sake of my sister's vocation. You see every tear that drips down my face, and You know the fears I hold in my heart. I know You hear my cries for help to let go, to let You take my sister without a moment of hesitation. But I trust You, even though it seems like You're holding back on that. I know You have a reason for letting me sit here feeling such distress over this. 

I do realize how silly and selfish I sound right now. I mean, it's not like I really have a choice. But even if I did, I would still give her up for You. You know I would. But right now, what is it that's holding me back? Why is this so hard? You're calling her to be with You. My prayer is a constant plea for You to help me find peace in this. But even as I sit in front of You in the Blessed Sacrament, but heart becomes even heavier. I feel guilty that I feel so sad about my sister responding to Your call for her. I feel like I'm holding something back from You. 

I'm afraid of losing her. My goodness, I'm like a two year old right now. I say "Here, Father. You may have anything." And then when You take it, I only pull it back with a cry of "No, Father!" Except not really. I'm not saying no to You. But I am saying that I'm afraid. I do trust that You're holding us both close to Your heart. This will be good because I know that You are good. 

I offer up all of my fears and distress up to You. I am forever Your servant. Lead the way, my Shepherd. I am Your little lamb and I will love You always. I pray for peace.

With all my love,
Rachel

In Which I Ramble About the Beautiful Chaos that is my Life

Marisa Clare Photography

I sincerely miss blogging. I keep saying I’ll write a post about this and that, but of course it never happens. Life is so busy, and my rare moments of down time are spent elsewhere. It used to bug me that I’ve neglected this part of my life, but I’ve just come to accept it as a thing of the past. But I do miss it, hence why I’ve returned to write again. Once more, perhaps. And maybe again in the future. We’ll see.

So much has changed in my life since I last wrote. I’m growing up, and I’m okay with that. I look forward to see what it is that God has in store for the future. The thought that graduation is in about a month and a half brings bittersweet feelings. I doubt that I’ll miss high school. My best friend is moving to Florida, though. I’m not sure I’ll ever be okay with that. The end of high school means the end of so many beautiful things. It’s a scary thought, but it’s an exciting kind of scary.

I really don’t know what I want to do with my life yet. I’ll be starting off at a community college near my house at first, and then I’ll probably move on to the University of Arizona after that. I’m entirely sure what I’ll study. Speech therapy sounds like fun. So does working in the slums of Calcutta. My life is a constant discernment of what it is that God wants from me. My future is completely in His hands. I suppose that’s how it’s supposed to be. It can be quite frustrating, to be honest. I wish He would be clearer in telling me what it is that He wants from me. My life is a constant discernment, and a never ending “we’ll see.”

I know a guy that looks like Pier Giorgio Frassati. Even better, he’s just about as holy, too. He makes me have many emotions. I’m tired of emotions. I gave up emotions for Lent. It’s not working out very well. Darn it, boy. This, like everything else, is in the hands of God. This, too, is a “we’ll see.” I’m not even sure if he reads my blog. If he does, I’m sure he’d know I was talking about him. That might be awkward. Hi, boy.

I have the most incredible job in the world. I work at a daycare near my house. I basically get paid to cuddle with toddlers. I’ve developed a strong love for the thought of God as our most loving Father. I can see why He loves us so much as His children. I know that He’s calling me to the vocation of motherhood. I see His love most when I’m caring for children. I look forward to that point in my life when I finally get to raise a dozen of my own little saints and teach them to know and to love Him.

This post really had no structure. I’d apologize, but I’m really not that sorry. It simply feels good to blog again. 

My Heart Kinda Hurts.

The crucifix at the end of her rosary dug into her skin as she gripped it tighter in her sweaty fist. She yearned for peace, yet she remained unsettled. Tears began to drip down her face So much has changed in these last few weeks. It's been so hard. She gazed down at the crucifix and sobbed. She felt lost, alone, and completely broken. She was scared. She'd already done all that she knew to do. Now it was time to sit back and wait with patience and trust. Oh, how she hated this. She fingered the rosary she held in her hands and began to pray. It was all that she had left. 

And Life's Okay.

I am a mess. I've lost control. My eyes have been looking everywhere but heavenward. My mind has wandered off to daydreams and fantasies. My heart has run away from me, always keeping itself just beyond my reach. My eyes, my mind, my heart--I've let them all go. My prayer life has withered to become a vast nothing. I am empty. Broken. Incomplete. 
I stand in line for the confessional, ashamed of the long list of sins that had managed to grow in the mere six days since my last confession. My head hurts. My heart aches. It's been a rough week. 
I whisper the list of all of my sins and regrets to the man on the other side of the screen. He listens patiently, offering a few words of advice here and there, but generally just listens. My heart begins to lift slightly as he gives me absolution and blesses me. I begin to get up to leave when he stops me, with a few last words: 
"I want you to be at peace, my child." 
It was a simple thing. He's probably said it a dozen times already that day to the people before me. But it was exactly what I needed to hear. I was torn up inside and I needed healing. Through those simple words, I received it. 
I open the door of the confessional and step out into the church. As I make my way towards the tabernacle to pray, peace begins to fill my heart. Nothing has changed, really. I still have my issues to deal with at home. I have papers due and assignments to complete. Nothing has changed. But at the same time, everything has. For the first time this week, life is okay. And I'm okay. 

A Saint that is Just Me.

I often feel as if I have nothing to offer. I feel small and insignificant compared to the likes of those who's shadows I tend to fall under. In fact, for the longest time, I often felt as if there was never a single moment when I wasn't in someone's shadow for one thing or another. I've never felt good enough or pretty enough or holy enough for anyone. There was always somebody greater than me. Or somebody prettier. Funnier. Holier. I couldn't help comparing myself to these people. And in doing so, my opinion of myself grew smaller and smaller. 

I'm really not that impressive. When I look in the mirror, I'm never entirely happy with the person I see looking back at me. I see a girl. That less-than-perfect kind of girl. A girl with frizzy hair and pale skin. A girl who laughs too hard at jokes, or is too slow to understand them right off. A girl who loves to smile, but can't seem to ever remember to do it as much as she should. A girl who can never seem to be "good enough." Not to herself, not to others. I see a girl who messes up a lot. Like, a lot a lot. I am the epitome of imperfection. 

I really do have very little to offer. I'm not extremely talented in any way, nor am I a particularly interesting person. I am small. I am seemingly completely insignificant in this world  And yet...I still dare to desire something that I'd never thought I'd ever be able to reach. Something greater than anything that this world has to offer. There is nothing else that my heart aches for as much as the mere thought of reaching Heaven and being one with the Love of my life. Me--the silly, childish girl with nothing particularly great about her--I yearn for the greatest thing that any human can possibly dream of. I want to be a saint. 

But the greatest thing about this desire of mine is this: God wants it for me, too. Even more than I want it for myself, in fact.  I may not be the greatest, or the smartest, the funniest, the prettiest, or the holiest. I may be imperfect. I'm just me. 

But I guess that's all He asks for. 

Shame on Your Adorable Face.

I'm not a swooner. I never have been. But there's something special about you. I'm not sure what it is. You make my heart beat faster and the mere thought of your never fails to bring a smile to my face. You make me happy. That's been kind of hard to do lately. So kudos. You certainly are a special one. 

I'm in the denial stage. "Face it, Rachel. You're in love with him." What? No, I'm not. I won't fall in love. My parents wouldn't approve. It's too soon. I'm too young. I don't need to add a lover to my ever growing list of things to worry about. Besides, you're too good for me. You're too sweet. Too kind. Too perfect. It can't happen. 

Shame on your adorable face for making me fall for you. I can't focus on anything. It's probably not healthy the way you make my heart beat so quickly. I'm smiling. I know I am. I always do when it comes to talking about you. I can't help it. I've fallen. For you. And I don't know how I'm going to get up. I don't even know if I want to. 

Maybe I'll just give up on it all and become a nun. 

But...
But...
But...
(Heh heh butt.) 

Come and Gone.

Almost as quickly as it came, summer 2k13 skids to an end. I don't care what they keep telling me--how every year is the same and all that pish posh. I swear this year is going by much faster than it should. And it might have to do with the fact that it's the one year that I want to last forever. I turn 18 in 138 days. Senior year starts in a mere 5. I want time to stop, but at the same time, it can't go by fast enough. 

The early August humidity soaks into me as I ponder life and everything in it. Disgusted at the stickiness that always comes from our Tucson monsoons, I wipe the sweat from my face. I like to tell myself that my Irish skin has tanned to a darker shade of white this summer, but I know that I'm simply fooling myself. Though I still manage to get awkward tan lines. Funny how that works.  Funny how everything works. I'm in one of those moods. 

Moods are stupid. Feelings are stupid. This entire summer, I've been struggling with a certain type of feeling that I didn't want to surface for a long while. These feelings can make you do some pretty darn stupid stuff--the kind of stuff that you'd never imagined yourself doing in any other circumstance. How stupid. But it can be wonderful. 

This summer was filled to the brim with wonderful in every form. Family vacations, spending long hours doing nothing with my closest friends, Jesus highs that made me want to sing, times of desolation that made me want to scream, laughter, tears, love, heartbreak... wonderful in every form that I've ever known. 

God is amazing. I mean, that pretty much goes without saying--He always is. But sometimes, I just have to state the obvious. He's brought me yet another perfect summer. It's come to an end, only to bring the start of something new. And I am so excited. 

Mama I'm a Big Girl Now. Kind of.

As much as I love to deny it, I am growing up. My half birthday was yesterday. Not a single one of my friends threw me a party or bought me a car or anything. And not a single one of them had a very good excuse. But I forgave them anyways. 

My childhood is coming to an end. But as the countdown continues on, I'm starting to feel more and more okay with this. 

Bring it. 

But not yet. I'm totally okay with waiting 181 days. 

Oh, Hey Again.

Well, ladies and gentleman. It appears that our favorite Rachel Claire has returned to the blogging world. With the school year coming to it's much-awaited ending, I think I'm going to take up this past time again. 

Oh, hush. Don't act like you didn't miss me. <3 

Whoa, guys. Junior year is actually almost over. It's bittersweet, really. I've come to the realization that my childhood is nearly over. I'll be 18 in exactly 217 days. I'm not exactly sure how to feel about this. For one thing, I look forward to see where God is leading me in my life. I look forward to go out and serve Him in the world. I'm excited for the future. And yet, I hesitate. I don't see myself ever fully letting go of my childhood. I guess I don't like to see beautiful things come to an end. But I know that this ending is beautiful, because it's the beginning of something even greater. Bring it. 

Oh and hey guess what. I like a guy. I think. His name is HahadoyoureallythinkI'dsaythatonhere. You can be sure that he'll be the subject of future posts. Stupid hormones. 

Wait. What am I doing? I have finals to study for. 

BUT I SHALL RETURN AGAIN. RACHEL IS BACK IN THE BLOGGING BUSINESS, Y'ALL. 

Call me Crazy: My Thoughts on Dating.

Sometimes I feel like I'm the only person my age who is perfectly okay with the fact that I'm single. I often see people post on facebook, pining over their lack of a romantic partner. "I need a boyfriend to make me happy and stuff."  Or  "Ohmygosh I'm so single I'm like gonna die alooone except maybe with my 27 cats." And let's not forget about how Valentine's Day has been dubbed "Singles Awareness Day." Uh. Did I miss something? Is singleness really a horrible thing? Come on.  I've never had a boyfriend. I've never been kissed. And guess what? I couldn't be happier. 

I mean, there's no need for me to have a boyfriend right now. It seems to me that there are too many people who feel that dating is all about fun and games with someone you're attracted to. Like, just dating for the sake of dating. Not only is that a pointless waste of emotions, I see relationships as something much deeper and important than that. Dating is a time for discernment. Discernment for MARRIAGE, folks. Eep! Dude, I am so not ready for that. Call me crazy, but I wanna finish high school before I start discerning marriage. 

High school's also a time to grow closer to your guy friends as friends. Ideally, high school should be a time for low pressure friendships with the opposite sex. Of course, it's definitely not always like this. But it's best for all of us. My best friend is a guy and there's really no pressure for us to date at all. And if you are attracted to one of your friends who's a guy/girl, use this time while you're in high school to develop a greater friendship with them. All strong relationships are based off of strong friendships first.  

Honestly, it's a turn off for me when a guy isn't happy about being single. It's truly pitiful when they seem to be desperate for a girlfriend. And same goes for girls, as well. Patience is attractive on anyone. It shows an important strength in their character. It also gives a person time to grow up. Because being in a good and holy relationship takes a heck of a lot of maturity. I know I'm not mature enough, yet. And there a few, if any, 17 year olds who are. 

While we're in high school, we should really be focusing on growing deeper in our relationship with God. I can't stress enough on how important this is. We were created with this God-shaped hole in our hearts. No one but God can fill it. And we were created with an insatiable thirst for love. A lot of people try to fulfill that thirst with other people, but once again, no one can fulfill this but the God Who gave Himself up for you. It's impossible. Whether it be friendships or relationships, no one can truly satisfy us like God can. 

Yes, this goes against what most of us are used to. And it's quite likely that you disagree with me. It's a different idea and it contradicts today's social norms. But guess what? We're called to be counter-cultural. We're called to go against what society expects of us because we're called to be so much greater than that. 

Adoration.

I made my way to the Adoration chapel, breathless and happy. I could feel a pull in my heart, as if Jesus was calling out to me from the Tabernacle where He resided.  It was the beginning of Easter break and besides, there was no place I would rather be than sitting in front of the Eucharist. Lent was coming to an end, and I'd been longing to spend some time with Him.
 
I pulled open the heavy door to the chapel, smiling as I breathed in the faint smell of incense. I dipped my finger tips into the holy water font and genuflected. Already, my heart was getting that familiar flutter that comes whenever I can feel myself come close to God. I sank into a pew close to the front and set my gaze upon the Monstrance. Shivers ran up and down my spine as I sat there in the utter stillness. I do so love the Holy Presence. 

"Hello, Jesus," I whispered. I could almost imagine Him turning towards me with a warm smile on His face as He wrapped me in His loving arms and held me close. 

"Hello, My child. I've been waiting for you," He would say. 

Smiling to myself at the thought, I took my rosary beads out of my bag and knelt down to pray. As I meditated on the Sorrowful mysteries, I gazed upon the large crucifix hanging above the altar. I murmured the prayers to myself, fingering my beads as I meditated over the Sorrowful mysteries. The Agony in the Garden, The Scourging at the Pillar, The Crowning of Thorns, The Carrying of the Cross, and finally The Crucifixion. Finishing with a Hail Holy Queen and then a St. Michael prayer, I once again turned my gaze towards the Monstrance. -->

Lent's almost over. For some reason, this Lent didn't seem as long as others had. Not that I really mind either way. I hold a special place in my heart for the season of Lent. To me, suffering has always been something to be seen as beautiful. What a beautiful way to grow closer to my God, to carry the Cross along side of Him as He stumbles up the hill to pay the price for my sins. 

It's been a beautiful Lent. I've slipped up more than once, but through the graces that I received from the Sacrament, I made it through. I feel so much stronger with these beautiful graces. Even still, I'm tired and I'm craving sugar like none other. It's been a long, difficult 40 days in the desert, but we're almost there.

Praise be to Jesus.

1/30 Things: 20 Randoms

{To know what I'm talking about, start here}  

1. I'm madly and passionately in love with being Catholic. I wouldn't trade my faith for anything in the world. 

2. I have no idea why, but Grumpy Cat is by far my favorite meme on the interwebs. It never fails to makes me laugh. 

3. I'm no longer gluten free. I spent five days in the hospital a couple of weeks ago, trying to have a seizure (to no avail), so they could catch it on the EEG. I ate gluten that entire week and felt fine. I've been eating gluten ever since and I still feel fine. Better even.

4. I'm not longer obsessed with the number 4. It's still not my favorite number, but I don't loathe it nearly as much as I did. 

5. I have a mad devotion to the whole "to Jesus through Mary" thing. It is so beautiful. Mary holds my heart very close to her. 

6. For lent, I've given up wearing makeup. It's much harder than I'd thought it would be. 

7. I'm also writing in nothing but cursive until Easter. This, too, is much harder than I'd thought it would be. 

8 Oh. I got a Twitter. 

9. I want to be a hospice nurse when I grow up. Or an ER nurse. Or a children's nurse. Or a competitive walrus dancer. Whatever that is. 

10. Avatar: The Last Airbender is the best thing since fried rice. 

11. I declared the day Pope Francis was elected a holiday and did no school at all. 

12. My grandma made me a cow outfit for Cow Appreciation Day. No lie. 

13.  I don't like the fact that no one seems to dress up for Mass anymore. I hate the lack of reverence, especially at the Lifeteen Mass. 

14. I'm really, horrifyingly shy. People scare me to death. But I try as hard as I can to be friendly because being shy is the thing I hate most about myself. 

15. When I tell you I'm praying for you, I am praying for you. I'm not the "Oh, I'll pray for you, honey." and then go and forget about it type. No sir. I will say that I'm praying for you and then go offer up a rosary or go to Adoration for you right away. 

16. I'm am way too hard on myself. And I'm really mean to myself. I'm my harshest critic. But I'm so bad it's probably not healthy. 

17. It kind of freaks me out that I'm going to be an adult this year. My childhood went by too fast. 

18. Fanta orange soda > everything other food in the world. Besides the Eucharist.

19. Sometimes I feel like the only person in the world my age that is totally okay with being single. I'm even okay with the thought of the vocation to single life. 

20. Facebook debates amuse me. I never partake in them, but I love to watch them go. Like, I could sit back with popcorn and just watch a facebook debate on abortion between a Catholic and some person who's wrong and be perfectly entertained. 

30 Things:

I guess it's pretty obvious that I haven't been blogging very much lately. To get myself motivated to write more, I'm going to try this blogging challenge thing that I found on Pinterest. This is what the lady who made it up said: "The idea is to record different parts of my personality for my posterity, and I guess you get to know me better by default." I kind of like this, so I'm gonna try it out. And hopefully, it will get my creative juices flowing so that I might blog a bit more. :) 

THE LIST:

1. List 20 random facts about yourself.
2. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.
3. Describe your relationship with your parents.
4. List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.
5. What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?
6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?
7. What is your dream job, and why?
8. What are 5 passions you have?
9. List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how.
10. Describe your most embarrasing moment.
11. Describe 10 pet peeves you have.
12. Describe a typical day in your current life.
13. Describe 5 weaknesses you have.
14. Describe 5 strengths you have.
15. If you were an animal, what would you be and why?
16. What are your 5 greatest accomplishments?
17. What is the thing you most wish you were great at?
18. What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive?
19. If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why?
20. Describe 3 significant memories from your childhood.
21. If you could have one superpower, what would it be and what would you do with it first?
22. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?
23. List your top 5 hobbies and why you love them.
24. Describe your family dynamic of your childhood vs. your family dynamic now.
25. If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat?
26. What popular notion do you think the world has most wrong?
27. What is your favorite part of your body and why?
28. What is your love language?
29. What do you think people misundertand most about you?
30. List 10 things you would hope to be remembered for.

So yeah. I will be posting these as often as I can and then putting the links back here on this post for your convenience. (Yes, yes. You'e quite welcome, I'm sure.) 

My Child,

You may not know me,
but I know everything about you. 
Psalm 139:1

I know when you sit down and when you rise up. 
Psalm 139:2

I am familiar with all your ways. 
Psalm 139:3

Even the very hairs on your head are numbered. 
Matthew 10:29-31

For you were made in my image. 
Genesis 1:27

In me you live and move and have your being.
Acts 17:28

For you are my offspring. 
Acts 17:28

I knew you even before you were conceived. 
Jeremiah 1:4-5

I chose you when I planned creation. 
Ephesians 1:11-12

You were not a mistake,
for all your days are written in my book. 
Psalm 139:15-16

I determined the exact time of your birth
and where you would live. 
Acts 17:26

You are fearfully and wonderfully made. 
Psalm 139:14

I knit you together in your mother's womb. 
Psalm 139:13

And brought you forth on the day you were born. 
Psalm 71:6

I have been misrepresented
by those who don't know me.
John 8:41-44

I am not distant and angry,
but am the complete expression of love. 
1 John 4:16

And it is my desire to lavish my love on you. 
1 John 3:1

Simply because you are my child
and I am your Father. 
1 John 3:1

I offer you more than your earthly father ever could. 
Matthew 7:11

For I am the perfect father. 
Matthew 5:48

Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand. 
James 1:17

For I am your provider and I meet all your needs. 
Matthew 6:31-33

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope. 
Jeremiah 29:11

Because I love you with an everlasting love. 
Jeremiah 31:3

My thoughts toward you are countless
as the sand on the seashore.
Psalms 139:17-18

And I rejoice over you with singing. 
Zephaniah 3:17

I will never stop doing good to you. 
Jeremiah 32:40

For you are my treasured possession. 
Exodus 19:5

I desire to establish you
with all my heart and all my soul. 
Jeremiah 32:41

And I want to show you great and marvelous things. 
Jeremiah 33:3

If you seek me with all your heart,
you will find me. 
Deuteronomy 4:29

Delight in me and I will give you
the desires of your heart. 
Psalm 37:4

For it is I who gave you those desires. 
Philippians 2:13

I am able to do more for you
than you could possibly imagine. 
Ephesians 3:20

For I am your greatest encourager. 
2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

I am also the Father who comforts you
in all your troubles. 
2 Corinthians 1:3-4

When you are brokenhearted,
I am close to you. 
Psalm 34:18

As a shepherd carries a lamb,
I have carried you close to my heart. 
Isaiah 40:11

One day I will wipe away
every tear from your eyes. 
Revelation 21:3-4

And I'll take away all the pain
you have suffered on this earth.
Revelation 21:3-4

I am your Father, and I love you
even as I love my son, Jesus.
John 17:23

For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed. 
John 17:26

He is the exact representation of my being. 
Hebrews 1:3

He came to demonstrate that I am for you,
not against you. 
Romans 8:31

And to tell you that I am not counting your sins.
2 Corinthians 5:18-19

Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled. 
2 Corinthians 5:18-19

His death was the ultimate expression
of my love for you. 
1 John 4:10

I gave up everything I loved
that I might gain your love. 
Romans 8:31-32

If you receive the gift of my son Jesus,
you receive me. 
1 John 2:23

And nothing will ever separate you
from my love again.
Romans 8:38-39

Come home and I'll throw the biggest party
heaven has ever seen.
Luke 15:7

I have always been Father,
and will always be Father.
Ephesians 3:14-15

My question is…
Will you be my child? 
John 1:12-13

I am waiting for you. 
Luke 15:11-32

Love, Your DadAlmighty God

Father's Love Letter used by permission Father Heart Communications 
© 1999-2011 www.FathersLoveLetter.com

Just FYI

So I have grand mal seizures. I fall to the ground and shake and moan. It's a scary and unnerving thing to see, but there's really nothing to worry about. If you see me start to sway while looking kind of out of it, or if you see my eyes roll to the back of my head, do me a favor and keep an eye on me. Chances are, if that starts to happen, I'm going to fall down and have a seizure. 

If you hang around me -- especially in stressful environments -- then you should probably know what to do in case this happens. Like I said, if you see my eyes roll into the back of my head or if I start to sway back and forth with a distant look in my eye, watch that I fall safely. I'm afraid that someday, I'll fall down to have a seizure and actually hurt myself. Roll me onto my side and get out of the line of fire because I do throw up and it's not pretty. If I'm wearing my glasses, take them off my face. Don't hold me so that I can't do my convulsions. Seriously don't. It hurts me. 

Please, pretty please, don't call 911. I've been taken to the hospital for this before and there's really nothing they can do about it. I mean, there are some cases where it'd you should. If the seizure lasts longer than 10 minutes, go ahead and call. Sometimes I have a panic attack, which makes me stop breathing for a few moments. Even this isn't that big of a deal. Just watch me closely and if my face turns blue for longer than a few moments, it's probably a good idea to call. 

After I've finished seizing (which usually last somewhere between 15 - 60 seconds), I usually just fall asleep. When I wake up, I'll probably be slightly confused and embarrassed, but otherwise just fine. I'm usually still a little light headed. Don't let me walk for a few minutes so I can pull myself together so I don't fall again. 

Really, it's not that big of a deal. It happens, there's currently nothing that we can do about it, and I'll be okay. I'll be going in to the hospital to be doing a five day long inpatient EEG next week. Hopefully, we'll find something out. There's nothing we can do now but wait and pray and trust ourselves to God's will. 

February Does Funny Things to Me.

I often lay in bed at night, wondering about the poor soul who gets to grow old with me. I already care about him very much. Every single day, I pray to Our Lady, asking her to hold him close. I write letters to him and keep them hidden in a very secret spot.  It's kind of funny to think about. There's actually a guy who's going to be crazy lucky enough to love me on day. A guy who's living, breathing, digesting food... Eep. O.o 

I've always felt a strong call to be married. And holy whoa I'm growing up. I'll be allowed to actually date soon enough. It's kind of strange to wrap my mind around, but it's wonderful and exciting at the same time. But for now, I don't really let myself think about it too much. Too many emotions. I'd probably explode. 

I wonder what he's like. I already know he's insane, considering the fact that he's going to be marrying me. I only pray that he isn't too insane. I also pray that he's an exact replica of Pier Giorgio Frassati. But I suppose that one is kind of a long shot. 

No matter what, I will pray for him every single day until I meet him. And then I will pray for him every single day until I die. Every rosary I pray, every Mass I go to, I always lift it up for him. It's all I can do right now. But I'm totally okay with that. 

Zephaniah is Fun to Say.

I'm suffering from writer's block and I haven't written a blog post in awhile, so here's a list of the random poop that's on my mind. You're welcome. 

1. School. My teachers are becoming my BFF's. No seriously, we bond. I'm starting to get better at being more motivated to do things, but I'd still be perfectly happy if all of my classes decided to go die in a hole. 

2. Lifeteen is once again a part of my life. I am so excited over the fact that I've been able to go and fully participate for these past three LifeNights. And I only had a seizure once. This makes me so freakishly happy. God is so good. 

3. I can tell that this year is going to be a really good year. Sure, I've been experiencing a large roller coaster of emotions this past month, but I think that I'm starting to get more in control of all that. I just have really good feelings about this. Good feelings and high hopes for fantasticness. 

4. I got a new dresser. I'm simply thrilled about how much it brings my room together. It's all so clean and organized now! I've just got to keep looking on Craigslist for another one so my sister/roommate can share in this organized blissfulness. 

5. Pinterest is my new obsession. I love the array of creative hairstyles, nail art, DIY's, and organizational ideas. I mean, it's not like I would ever actually do any of that ridiculousness, but it's fun to look at. 

6. Two year olds are funny. It's my job to put my brother, Benny, down for a nap everyday and let me tell you: it takes mad skills. He's got this new thing where he won't stay asleep unless he's right on top of me, which is very annoying because I have things to go do and the WiFi in his room is barely even existent. 

7. I'm starting to develop quite an impressive collection of scarves. They are absolutely fantastic and I get complimented on them whenever I go out. Too bad Tucson only gets scarf weather maybe one month altogether in the whole year.

8. Doctor Who. No really. Doctor Who. Why is it so amazing? My wallpaper is currently a disturbing picture of the Empty Child. Ack! I love it too much. 

9. And Star Trek. My mom and I bond over our mutual love for this show. It's beautiful.

10. I get to go to a camp for people with disabilities this summer. Bonus? I might get to meet a friend that's in this Facebook prayer group with me, Mike. I would seriously die of happiness if this actually happened. I love meeting internet people. 

11. Some of the cashiers and other workers at Walmart know me. They give me compliments on my red high tops and laugh when I accidentally do stupid things in front of them. I don't see a problem with this. They're nice people. I can feel you judging me. Stop it. 

12. I've got a goal to get better enough to hold a job again. I want to start saving for college some more. And besides, I like working. Just not at Sonic. Never again. 

13. Cheetos are a gift from God. That is all. 

14. One of my poor future children is probably going to end up with a name like Zephaniah. I just get way too amused with saying things like that. Poor little future child. #sorrynotsorry 

15. Because I can't end my list with an even number. 

Boy Crazy.

A few weeks ago, a dear friend of mine called me boy crazy. I’m still thinking about it even now. I’m not entirely sure why, but it kind of hurt my feelings. Maybe because it’s kind of true. Why is that thought so horrifying?

My friend mentioned that every three weeks, I was messaging her on facebook telling her about a new boy that I fancied. Hearing her say that was like a slap in the face that woke me up to a reality that I wasn't exactly aware of. I mean, I did know that I was paying more attention to the male persons in my life more than I was used to. I just didn't know exactly how much I've actually changed from the person that I used to be.

You see, I never really cared that much about guys. To me, my guy friends were always just like my girl friends. Except grosser, smellier, and with less drama. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn't entirely disinterested in liking guys, either. I most certainly have had my fair share of crushes in my late childhood/early teenage years. But I never exactly considered myself to be legitimately “boy crazy.” I usually made fun of the type of girls who would change who they like every seven minutes. I saw them as pathetic children who need to get a life. Now I’m that pathetic child. Lord, help me.

I was always grateful for the fact that I was homeschooled because that way, I wouldn't have all that “OMG you need a boyfriend or else you will DIIIIEEE” poop stuffed in my face. Now, I don’t think my case of boy craziness is that severe, but it’s definitely more so than I would like. I was happy with being foot loose and fancy free and nearly completely careless about the male gender entirely. But now… Well, I don’t like it.

I really need to guard my heart more. I do think that God is calling me to marriage. But I’m pretty sure He’s not calling me to be all “Holy moly, I’m going to marry him. And him. And him. And maybe him, too.” Yup. Guarding my heart is something I definitely need to work on.

So alas, I will sit here and pray for my future husband and continue to build myself to be a better, stronger woman of God. I just have to continue to trust in God and His perfect plan for me. That’s what life is about right now. Praise be to Jesus. 

Meanwhile, PIER GIORGIO FRASSATI ABGIOWNGOBEING;AOJE!!!!!!!!!! Pray for us. 

Buzzing Around my Head

I have a lot on my mind right now. I’m going to drive myself to insanity. My thoughts are buzzing around in my head like a swarm of bees. I really should be doing school and getting started on the three essays that are due soon. Or I could put my laundry away, or clean my room, or do the dishes, or organize my desk. In other words, I could be productive. Hahaha! No.

Guys. I’m growing old. Junior year is more than halfway over. I’ll be in my last year of high school soon. I have exactly 337 days left of being a child. That’s a scary thought. I think I’ll just go sit over there all by myself and think about that for a minute.

Whoa. Hold up. Okay. I’m done with that. It makes my head spin.

I’m craving an adventure. I want to go out and do something. That’s the sad thing about being a homeschooler. If I’m not at a doctor’s appointment, I’m at home doing school or watching my siblings. That is my life. I guess that’s not entirely sad. It’s not that I dislike staying at home and being with my family. I don’t even dislike going to the doctor so much. It’s just that I sometimes get a bad case of cabin fever and need to go out and explore something new. If you share this desire to adventure with me, please don’t hesitate to contact me immediately. Facebook, email, call, text, smoke signals… Really. Come on an adventure with me.

I had a seizure at Lifeteen last Sunday. It was the very first Lifeteen that I’d been to since October. I had been counting down the days, the hours, and finally the minutes until I was allowed to finally go back. I was so excited. I really thought I could make it the entire night without having a seizure. I’d almost made it. We had maybe only another 10-15 minutes before we ended with snack in the back. I was so close. I’m actually quite happy that I made it that far. I did have fun in the time that I was there. I got to see some people that I’d been missing very much. I am so grateful.

I’m still quite sick. I’ve been getting these mad headaches that keep me up at night and bring me to tears during the day. On the bright side, my stomach has started to hurt less. Knowing that I have gastroparesis and being able to keep a diet that helps my sad excuse for a stomach digest my food has made all the difference in the way I feel. I still don’t have as much energy as I’d like to have, and I obviously still have seizures. But I’m grateful for the progress that I’ve made. I can only pray that in this next year and hopefully sooner, I will make even more progress in my health.

I’m hoping to go to Adoration soon. I’m kind of at a spiritual low at this point in my life. I feel as if I’m going through the motions, not growing closer to my Love in any way. My heart is aching so much right now. I need so much to go be with Him. Soon, I hope.

I have to go be productive now. Procrastination is a way that the Enemy likes to tempt me, and I cannot let him win. I’m trying to do all for the glory of God, especially when I don’t want to. It’s hard, but that’s how I know that it will be worth it.