Just FYI

So I have grand mal seizures. I fall to the ground and shake and moan. It's a scary and unnerving thing to see, but there's really nothing to worry about. If you see me start to sway while looking kind of out of it, or if you see my eyes roll to the back of my head, do me a favor and keep an eye on me. Chances are, if that starts to happen, I'm going to fall down and have a seizure. 

If you hang around me -- especially in stressful environments -- then you should probably know what to do in case this happens. Like I said, if you see my eyes roll into the back of my head or if I start to sway back and forth with a distant look in my eye, watch that I fall safely. I'm afraid that someday, I'll fall down to have a seizure and actually hurt myself. Roll me onto my side and get out of the line of fire because I do throw up and it's not pretty. If I'm wearing my glasses, take them off my face. Don't hold me so that I can't do my convulsions. Seriously don't. It hurts me. 

Please, pretty please, don't call 911. I've been taken to the hospital for this before and there's really nothing they can do about it. I mean, there are some cases where it'd you should. If the seizure lasts longer than 10 minutes, go ahead and call. Sometimes I have a panic attack, which makes me stop breathing for a few moments. Even this isn't that big of a deal. Just watch me closely and if my face turns blue for longer than a few moments, it's probably a good idea to call. 

After I've finished seizing (which usually last somewhere between 15 - 60 seconds), I usually just fall asleep. When I wake up, I'll probably be slightly confused and embarrassed, but otherwise just fine. I'm usually still a little light headed. Don't let me walk for a few minutes so I can pull myself together so I don't fall again. 

Really, it's not that big of a deal. It happens, there's currently nothing that we can do about it, and I'll be okay. I'll be going in to the hospital to be doing a five day long inpatient EEG next week. Hopefully, we'll find something out. There's nothing we can do now but wait and pray and trust ourselves to God's will. 

Methinks I Need Some Prayers. Please.

I'm tired. No, that's an understatement. I'm flipping ready to fall asleep right here, right now. Standing up. On a cactus. Barefoot. Which makes absolutely no sense, considering I'm spending practically my entire day either resting on the couch or taking a nap. I really want to get up and do something productive, but I have literally no energy. I feel like a total blob. 

On top of that, I've been getting these major headaches. Sometimes, my head hurts so bad, I swear I can hear it screaming in agony. It throbs. I'll often just lay on my bed and cry. 
I am so tired of all this. I'm tired of the seizures, the headaches, the lack of energy... I just wish it would all go away. 

Ugh and the STRESS of life right now is most certainly not helping anything. Oh, so much to do and so little motivation to do it! My day consisted of creating a to-do list and staring at it for awhile, thinking, "Wow. I have a lot to do. Oh well." 

I want to get off this emotional roller coaster. One minute, I feel as if I can conquer the world. But then the next, I just want to crawl in a hole and die right there. Someone should bring me some dark chocolate. This craving is going to be the death of me. 

I'm at a total spiritual low right now, too. I seriously wish that all this would help me grow closer to Christ. I feel so far away from Him. I need to go to Adoration. 

Meanwhile, I think I'll go cry into my pillow. Hormones can go die. 

Jesus, I need help. 

Buzzing Around my Head

I have a lot on my mind right now. I’m going to drive myself to insanity. My thoughts are buzzing around in my head like a swarm of bees. I really should be doing school and getting started on the three essays that are due soon. Or I could put my laundry away, or clean my room, or do the dishes, or organize my desk. In other words, I could be productive. Hahaha! No.

Guys. I’m growing old. Junior year is more than halfway over. I’ll be in my last year of high school soon. I have exactly 337 days left of being a child. That’s a scary thought. I think I’ll just go sit over there all by myself and think about that for a minute.

Whoa. Hold up. Okay. I’m done with that. It makes my head spin.

I’m craving an adventure. I want to go out and do something. That’s the sad thing about being a homeschooler. If I’m not at a doctor’s appointment, I’m at home doing school or watching my siblings. That is my life. I guess that’s not entirely sad. It’s not that I dislike staying at home and being with my family. I don’t even dislike going to the doctor so much. It’s just that I sometimes get a bad case of cabin fever and need to go out and explore something new. If you share this desire to adventure with me, please don’t hesitate to contact me immediately. Facebook, email, call, text, smoke signals… Really. Come on an adventure with me.

I had a seizure at Lifeteen last Sunday. It was the very first Lifeteen that I’d been to since October. I had been counting down the days, the hours, and finally the minutes until I was allowed to finally go back. I was so excited. I really thought I could make it the entire night without having a seizure. I’d almost made it. We had maybe only another 10-15 minutes before we ended with snack in the back. I was so close. I’m actually quite happy that I made it that far. I did have fun in the time that I was there. I got to see some people that I’d been missing very much. I am so grateful.

I’m still quite sick. I’ve been getting these mad headaches that keep me up at night and bring me to tears during the day. On the bright side, my stomach has started to hurt less. Knowing that I have gastroparesis and being able to keep a diet that helps my sad excuse for a stomach digest my food has made all the difference in the way I feel. I still don’t have as much energy as I’d like to have, and I obviously still have seizures. But I’m grateful for the progress that I’ve made. I can only pray that in this next year and hopefully sooner, I will make even more progress in my health.

I’m hoping to go to Adoration soon. I’m kind of at a spiritual low at this point in my life. I feel as if I’m going through the motions, not growing closer to my Love in any way. My heart is aching so much right now. I need so much to go be with Him. Soon, I hope.

I have to go be productive now. Procrastination is a way that the Enemy likes to tempt me, and I cannot let him win. I’m trying to do all for the glory of God, especially when I don’t want to. It’s hard, but that’s how I know that it will be worth it. 

Apolaustic Hullabaloo.

I know this is kind of late, but happy New Year! I am super stoked for this new year. I've got a really good feeling about it. 2012 was most certainly difficult at times, but it was beautiful nonetheless. Since God has total control, there's no doubt that this year will be, too. I'm so excited to see what He has planned out this time. 

I like new things. Whether it be a new baby, new shoes, or a new year, it all has that lovely "new" feeling to it that makes me want to breathe in deep and smile. It's so fresh and untouched; I almost want to leave it that way looking perfect and new. But at the same time, I want to dive right in and make it to be something beautiful. 

This year, I'm going to continue to grow closer to God in as many ways that I can. I'm going to find new ways to praise Him, especially through the way that I react with my family and the people that I'm around. I'm going to be a happier person and try to mentally maim fewer people than I had last year. I'm also going to try my hardest to not let this sickness bring me down. I've got to always remember that God is in total and complete control and He loves me to the point where He won't ever let me come across anything that I can't handle. 

This is the last year of childhood that I have. Don't get me wrong, I really am looking forward to growing older and stepping into this next part of life, but I almost don't want to let go of being a kid. As exciting as becoming an adult is, I really want to make the most of this final touch of childish innocence as much as I can. 

I have a feeling that this is going to be a really great year. 

Update: The Story of the Seizures

Guess what guys. I spent last night at the emergency room. Long story short, I had a seizure and stopped breathing for a few minutes. It was rough. Like always, I hardly remember a thing. Most of what happened is hazy and confusing for me. And like always, going to the hospital was absolutely not cool at all. 

Yesterday was my birthday party. We had some friends over to film the new Somebody Else's Shoes Production film "The Pirates of Duct Tape." (Coming soon to a YouTube near you.) I admit, it was a far more stressful day than I'd been used to having for the past couple of months. I mean, we were running around on a hot December day. (Even coming from an Arizonan, saying that felt weird.) It wasn't that I didn't drink enough water or I ate something that I should have as it sometimes is. I guess it was just an all around a harder day than my body could handle. 

I was feeling fine until later in the evening after nearly everyone had left. I was getting ready to put my two year brother upstairs to go to bed when I started to feel slightly dizzy and lightheaded. Being the responsible human being that we all know that I am, I lay down on the ground in case I actually passed out. At first, I thought I was feeling better and was about to get up to continue getting my brother ready for bed. But then something "ticked" in my head, which startled me, so I called out to my mom. That's all I remember before the first seizure. After I woke up from that seizure, I think I started to cry. Having seizures is extremely uncomfortable and on top of that, quite frustrating for me. 

After I'd been resting on the ground for awhile after the first seizure, I felt a second "tick" in my head. When I woke up this time, I felt very short of breath. I don't think I said anything to my mom; I was too freaked out. My head was swimming. I could hear panicked voices, but I didn't try to make out what they were saying to me. I remember that breathing in and out was getting harder and harder. And then I blacked out for a bit, only to wake up to see a couple of paramedics kneeling down next to me. My head hurt. My muscles ached. I was afraid. 

I rode in the ambulance with one of the paramedics. Wes, I believe he said his name was. He told me to let him know if I felt like I was going to have another seizure. Only moments later, I felt another "tick" in my head. I leaned over and punched Wes in the knee. He yelled to the driver, "Okay, you should probably turn the sirens on." I admit, riding to the hospital with the sirens on was pretty darn cool. At least I think it was, considering how I was unconscious the rest of the ride there. I don't remember ever arriving to the hospital or waking up from that seizure. No worries, though. I did. *insert cheesy smile here* 

Now, I don't remember a whole lot that happened at the hospital. A bunch of doctors came in to talk with me to get the story. I got an MRI scan done on my head, but that came out with nothing. They later told me that they'd drugged me with something in the ambulance to stop my seizure, so I was quite woozy the whole night that I was there. This hospital stay was pretty much the same as the past ones I've had. Just as I did then, we still ended up with nothing. We are still completely in the dark as to why I've been having these seizures. Not to mention why I wasn't able to breath. 

Please pray for me, my dear friends. I hate having seizures and not knowing why I have them. It is so frustrating. So please pray that they soon find out what's wrong with me. Many thanks. :) 

I did find out one thing, though. I learned that a hospital gown paired up with seizure hair is obviously the most attractive thing that a girl can sport this winter. Obviously. 

I Don't Even Know

Hi, my name is Rachel Claire Hitchcock and I am madly in love with an amazing Man. In fact, for the past couple of weeks, I even thought I might marry Him. But alas, it just doesn't seem as if that's what I'm called to do with myself. 


But what am I called to do with myself? I don't even know. That's where my mind has been, wondering exactly where I'm supposed to go with my life. Where does God want me? I'm willing to go anywhere He wants me to go, do anything that He wants me to do. He just has to lead the way. Where He goes, I'll go. But right now, it doesn't feel as if He's leading me anywhere. I feel so stuck. I'm going through the motions. I spend my life at home, either doing schoolwork or sitting on the couch. I haven't even got the energy to go out of a walk to work off my restlessness. If I did, I'd be halfway to Rome right now. But... that's not where God's leading me. 

I feel as if I've got nothing to live for. I don't even have the energy to walk across the house, much less to Rome. I have to beg my mom every Sunday just so that she'll let me stay for lifeteen after Mass. And then when I do succeed in convincing her, I always come home completely drained. But I'm so restless! It's a strange feeling, to feel so weak and without energy, yet at the same time I'm just a bundle of nerves. I'm not content as to where I am right now. I want to be somewhere interesting, doing something fantastic. 

But no. God is calling me to wait. Every day, I tell Him that I'm ready to give myself up and do something amazing for Him. I'm willing to do anything for Him. I'd happily be a missionary, a sister in one of Mother Teresa's orders, or play a part in something huge. But then He asks me to do what I hate most: wait. Such a simple thing to ask. Why am I so afraid to say yes? I want to be out there doing something, but no. I have to trust that He really does have the perfect plan for me. Jesus wants me to sit here and wait. 

So if you need me, I'll be sitting here. Waiting. 

There is a Reason

I hurt. I'm very sick. I'm tired. I have no energy. I can't even go to youth group events, church retreats, dances, or birthday parties without the fear of collapsing and having a seizure. I've lost the life of the kid that I've gotten so used to being. I'm scared. I find myself crying myself to sleep at night, begging God to just take me in my sleep so I don't have to suffer another day. I am not strong. I am afraid. 

But then, as I sit in Adoration, gazing upon the Monstrance that sits on the alter before me, I can't help but be reminded that there is no need for that. There's a reason I'm still alive. There's a reason God hasn't decided to take me from this world early. He has a plan for me. Yes, I hurt. But there is a reason for that hurt. God knows what He's doing. Yes, it is very hard to trust Him, especially in these times where it seems as if I've lost so much. But it's in these times when I only have to trust Him more, because the outcome is going to be only that much more beautiful. 

Jesus holds me closely, because I am so very dear to Him. He won't let me go. I have no need to be afraid. He wants only the best for me, and if I trust in Him with all my heart, only the best will I get. He is my Shepherd, and I am His precious lamb. I have wandered and gotten lost, but He's found me over and over again. There is a reason for all that He gives me. This pain, this sickness, this hurt. I'm going through it all for a reason. He won't let me down. 

Jesus, I trust in You. 

Tired. So Tired.

I'm done. I've said that so many times already, but I"m saying it again. I am done. I'm so tired of this. So tired of waking up every morning throwing up, tired of the going to doctor after doctor, tired of getting poked and prodded and scanned. I'm tired of getting negative results.

This just gets harder and harder. I hate not being able to walk across the house without needing to sit down halfway there. I wish I could play with my four year old little brother in the backyard and be able to jump and run around with him. I can't even stand during the Gospel reading during Mass without collapsing. I'm not even seventeen yet and I feel like a sickly eighty year old woman.

I'm so tired of this. 

I'm going to sleep now. 

Wake me up when this is over. 

The Cross That I Must Bear

Okay, so I've developed a bad habit of scaring the poo poo out of people lately. It used to be that all that I would do was just get sick and faint, end of story. But now my stupid body thought it would be funny to bring it up a notch and make me have seizures. Yeah, it's not cool. At all. 
Whenever I would faint, I would usually be able to sense it coming. I might feel sick, or I'd get a sudden hot flash, or I could start to feel myself blacking out. Because I'd become aware of these things, I've usually been able to prevent myself from fainting by sitting down and putting my head in my hands. It's actually been something that I've been able to get under control, at least for the most part. 
But now, I don't feel it coming hardly at all. On Friday, when I had my first set of seizures at XLT, I did feel sick for about an hour before, but I was just ready to just handle it as I usually did and get my sister to take me home. I didn't even feel the faint coming on. One minute, I was joking around with a friend and the next I woke up to a crowd surrounding me and the next I woke up again in an ambulance. And then this past Sunday at Lifeteen, when I had the second set, I didn't even feel sick. I did feel a bit warm, so I went to the back to get a drink of water, and the next thing I knew, I woke up to a bunch of Core members around me. 
This is so hard for me. It's taken over my entire life. I'm constantly in pain. I wake up every morning and immediately go to the bathroom to throw up last night's dinner. Lately, I can't even go to the store without having to randomly sit down in the aisle, or else I will faint and scare whatever poor soul happens to be around me. Honestly, that's got to be the worst part about all this. I hate watching people suffer from seeing me suffer. I hate it.
My life has been flipped upside down. And it just seems to be getting worse. My dad made me quit my job because he's afraid of me having a seizure while I'm on my roller skates. My mom just told me today that she doesn't want me to go on anymore retreats. I guess I don't blame her, but it still hurts. And now she and my dad are talking about not letting me go to Lifeteen, because it doesn't seem like I can last even a Life night. I... I honestly don't know what I would do without Lifeteen. I don't think that they'll actually take something I care so much about - like Lifeteen is - away from me. But the thought that this could happen if things get serious enough is horrible. 
We're going to doctor after doctor, getting test after test, trying our very hardest to find what's wrong with me. But everything has come up negative so far. It's frustrating. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared. 
But, at the same time, this is so beautiful. Call me crazy for saying so, but I'm actually grateful that God has given me this cross. It's so hard, and I often feel as if I'm going to fall down from the weight of it on my shoulders, but He's given it to me for a reason. God has an amazing plan for me. I've always wanted to grow up, get married, have a huge family, and just live a normal life. While that still might happen, I've come to realize the fact that that God might have something better in store for me. I never really understood what it meant to "give God my all." I thought I had done that. Little did I realize that I just wanted to give Him my all... but only so long as I still got to do what I wanted with myself. I was hesitant to let Him work in my life farther than where I was comfortable. I thought that I was giving Him enough. As usual, I was wrong. 
As He is with all of us, God's calling me to be a saint. And I want to embrace that calling with all that I am. I've got to be willing to follow God wherever He leads me, especially if wherever that is takes me from my comfort zone. God has a perfect plan for my life. I just have to trust Him.  
I'm still scared, but it's the kind of scared where I know that God is with me, so it's okay. 

God is good, life is beautiful. Hallelujah!