I Don't Even Know

Hi, my name is Rachel Claire Hitchcock and I am madly in love with an amazing Man. In fact, for the past couple of weeks, I even thought I might marry Him. But alas, it just doesn't seem as if that's what I'm called to do with myself. 


But what am I called to do with myself? I don't even know. That's where my mind has been, wondering exactly where I'm supposed to go with my life. Where does God want me? I'm willing to go anywhere He wants me to go, do anything that He wants me to do. He just has to lead the way. Where He goes, I'll go. But right now, it doesn't feel as if He's leading me anywhere. I feel so stuck. I'm going through the motions. I spend my life at home, either doing schoolwork or sitting on the couch. I haven't even got the energy to go out of a walk to work off my restlessness. If I did, I'd be halfway to Rome right now. But... that's not where God's leading me. 

I feel as if I've got nothing to live for. I don't even have the energy to walk across the house, much less to Rome. I have to beg my mom every Sunday just so that she'll let me stay for lifeteen after Mass. And then when I do succeed in convincing her, I always come home completely drained. But I'm so restless! It's a strange feeling, to feel so weak and without energy, yet at the same time I'm just a bundle of nerves. I'm not content as to where I am right now. I want to be somewhere interesting, doing something fantastic. 

But no. God is calling me to wait. Every day, I tell Him that I'm ready to give myself up and do something amazing for Him. I'm willing to do anything for Him. I'd happily be a missionary, a sister in one of Mother Teresa's orders, or play a part in something huge. But then He asks me to do what I hate most: wait. Such a simple thing to ask. Why am I so afraid to say yes? I want to be out there doing something, but no. I have to trust that He really does have the perfect plan for me. Jesus wants me to sit here and wait. 

So if you need me, I'll be sitting here. Waiting.