In Which I Ramble About the Beautiful Chaos that is my Life

Marisa Clare Photography

I sincerely miss blogging. I keep saying I’ll write a post about this and that, but of course it never happens. Life is so busy, and my rare moments of down time are spent elsewhere. It used to bug me that I’ve neglected this part of my life, but I’ve just come to accept it as a thing of the past. But I do miss it, hence why I’ve returned to write again. Once more, perhaps. And maybe again in the future. We’ll see.

So much has changed in my life since I last wrote. I’m growing up, and I’m okay with that. I look forward to see what it is that God has in store for the future. The thought that graduation is in about a month and a half brings bittersweet feelings. I doubt that I’ll miss high school. My best friend is moving to Florida, though. I’m not sure I’ll ever be okay with that. The end of high school means the end of so many beautiful things. It’s a scary thought, but it’s an exciting kind of scary.

I really don’t know what I want to do with my life yet. I’ll be starting off at a community college near my house at first, and then I’ll probably move on to the University of Arizona after that. I’m entirely sure what I’ll study. Speech therapy sounds like fun. So does working in the slums of Calcutta. My life is a constant discernment of what it is that God wants from me. My future is completely in His hands. I suppose that’s how it’s supposed to be. It can be quite frustrating, to be honest. I wish He would be clearer in telling me what it is that He wants from me. My life is a constant discernment, and a never ending “we’ll see.”

I know a guy that looks like Pier Giorgio Frassati. Even better, he’s just about as holy, too. He makes me have many emotions. I’m tired of emotions. I gave up emotions for Lent. It’s not working out very well. Darn it, boy. This, like everything else, is in the hands of God. This, too, is a “we’ll see.” I’m not even sure if he reads my blog. If he does, I’m sure he’d know I was talking about him. That might be awkward. Hi, boy.

I have the most incredible job in the world. I work at a daycare near my house. I basically get paid to cuddle with toddlers. I’ve developed a strong love for the thought of God as our most loving Father. I can see why He loves us so much as His children. I know that He’s calling me to the vocation of motherhood. I see His love most when I’m caring for children. I look forward to that point in my life when I finally get to raise a dozen of my own little saints and teach them to know and to love Him.

This post really had no structure. I’d apologize, but I’m really not that sorry. It simply feels good to blog again. 

The Most Beautiful Gift

It is the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass from which my desire to know and to love God deepens. It is with the intimacy with Christ Himself that I get when I receive Him in the Eucharist that makes me conscious of my own sinfulness and my desperate need for Christ’s mercy. Drawn by the longing for this mercy, the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass inflames the desire that I hold in my heart to grow ever closer to Him. The Holy Mass brings me in communion with Christ in the Eucharist, and my own spiritual life thrives from it.

It is the Eucharist from which I gain everything that I am to ever have, even in my ordinary everyday life. It is the Eucharist from which I draw my strength to live each day fully for Him and for Him alone. It is my silent daily prayer, in which I beg for Him to be present in my day to day life. In the words of St. Faustina, “This bread of the Strong gives me all the strength I need to carry on my mission and the courage to do whatever the Lord asks of me. The courage and strength that are in me are not of me, but of Him who lives in me - it is the Eucharist.”

Not only does the Holy Mass give me the strength I need to live as the saint that I am called to be, it deepens my understanding of the reason that I was created: to know and to love and serve God in every way that I am capable. But even more so, it creates a strong desire to go even deeper in my understanding of this. As I watch the priest raise the Host from the paten with the words “This is My Body,” something is placed in my heart to know more about the wonder in which I am partaking. And as he raises the cup and the words “Do this in remembrance of Me” are uttered from his lips, I know that I can stop at nothing until this desire is fulfilled.

The Holy Sacrifice of the Mass fills something in us that cannot be filled elsewhere. We were all created with a God-shaped hole in our hearts. We all have a constant desire to search for something to fulfill this emptiness that we have. We look everywhere that we know, yet if we try to fill ourselves by searching in the world we are going to be left empty handed. True happiness can not and does not come from the pleasures of the world. True happiness comes solely from the love of God. The most intimate and profound way that we can possibly experience this divine love is through the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass.

The Most Holy Sacrament of the Eucharist is the sacrament of Divine Humility. In this sacrament, Jesus offers Himself down so that He can become our very food—our daily Bread for our journey to God. When I partake in this sacrament, I am able to experience firsthand what true humility is. God, in His utter greatness and immense power, brings Himself to become small so that we might be able to approach Him. In the words of St. Cyril of Alexandria: “If the power of pride is swelling up in you, turn to the Eucharist; and that Bread, Which is your God humbling and disguising Himself, will teach you humility.” Through Christ’s humble example in the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass, I am brought to have a deeper understanding and to take in a greater intellect of how He gives Himself as a living example of what he wants from me as His follower. 

And My Heart Bursts out of Love for Every One of Them.

And Life's Okay.

I am a mess. I've lost control. My eyes have been looking everywhere but heavenward. My mind has wandered off to daydreams and fantasies. My heart has run away from me, always keeping itself just beyond my reach. My eyes, my mind, my heart--I've let them all go. My prayer life has withered to become a vast nothing. I am empty. Broken. Incomplete. 
I stand in line for the confessional, ashamed of the long list of sins that had managed to grow in the mere six days since my last confession. My head hurts. My heart aches. It's been a rough week. 
I whisper the list of all of my sins and regrets to the man on the other side of the screen. He listens patiently, offering a few words of advice here and there, but generally just listens. My heart begins to lift slightly as he gives me absolution and blesses me. I begin to get up to leave when he stops me, with a few last words: 
"I want you to be at peace, my child." 
It was a simple thing. He's probably said it a dozen times already that day to the people before me. But it was exactly what I needed to hear. I was torn up inside and I needed healing. Through those simple words, I received it. 
I open the door of the confessional and step out into the church. As I make my way towards the tabernacle to pray, peace begins to fill my heart. Nothing has changed, really. I still have my issues to deal with at home. I have papers due and assignments to complete. Nothing has changed. But at the same time, everything has. For the first time this week, life is okay. And I'm okay. 

A Saint that is Just Me.

I often feel as if I have nothing to offer. I feel small and insignificant compared to the likes of those who's shadows I tend to fall under. In fact, for the longest time, I often felt as if there was never a single moment when I wasn't in someone's shadow for one thing or another. I've never felt good enough or pretty enough or holy enough for anyone. There was always somebody greater than me. Or somebody prettier. Funnier. Holier. I couldn't help comparing myself to these people. And in doing so, my opinion of myself grew smaller and smaller. 

I'm really not that impressive. When I look in the mirror, I'm never entirely happy with the person I see looking back at me. I see a girl. That less-than-perfect kind of girl. A girl with frizzy hair and pale skin. A girl who laughs too hard at jokes, or is too slow to understand them right off. A girl who loves to smile, but can't seem to ever remember to do it as much as she should. A girl who can never seem to be "good enough." Not to herself, not to others. I see a girl who messes up a lot. Like, a lot a lot. I am the epitome of imperfection. 

I really do have very little to offer. I'm not extremely talented in any way, nor am I a particularly interesting person. I am small. I am seemingly completely insignificant in this world  And yet...I still dare to desire something that I'd never thought I'd ever be able to reach. Something greater than anything that this world has to offer. There is nothing else that my heart aches for as much as the mere thought of reaching Heaven and being one with the Love of my life. Me--the silly, childish girl with nothing particularly great about her--I yearn for the greatest thing that any human can possibly dream of. I want to be a saint. 

But the greatest thing about this desire of mine is this: God wants it for me, too. Even more than I want it for myself, in fact.  I may not be the greatest, or the smartest, the funniest, the prettiest, or the holiest. I may be imperfect. I'm just me. 

But I guess that's all He asks for. 

Shame on Your Adorable Face.

I'm not a swooner. I never have been. But there's something special about you. I'm not sure what it is. You make my heart beat faster and the mere thought of your never fails to bring a smile to my face. You make me happy. That's been kind of hard to do lately. So kudos. You certainly are a special one. 

I'm in the denial stage. "Face it, Rachel. You're in love with him." What? No, I'm not. I won't fall in love. My parents wouldn't approve. It's too soon. I'm too young. I don't need to add a lover to my ever growing list of things to worry about. Besides, you're too good for me. You're too sweet. Too kind. Too perfect. It can't happen. 

Shame on your adorable face for making me fall for you. I can't focus on anything. It's probably not healthy the way you make my heart beat so quickly. I'm smiling. I know I am. I always do when it comes to talking about you. I can't help it. I've fallen. For you. And I don't know how I'm going to get up. I don't even know if I want to. 

Maybe I'll just give up on it all and become a nun. 

But...
But...
But...
(Heh heh butt.) 

Come and Gone.

Almost as quickly as it came, summer 2k13 skids to an end. I don't care what they keep telling me--how every year is the same and all that pish posh. I swear this year is going by much faster than it should. And it might have to do with the fact that it's the one year that I want to last forever. I turn 18 in 138 days. Senior year starts in a mere 5. I want time to stop, but at the same time, it can't go by fast enough. 

The early August humidity soaks into me as I ponder life and everything in it. Disgusted at the stickiness that always comes from our Tucson monsoons, I wipe the sweat from my face. I like to tell myself that my Irish skin has tanned to a darker shade of white this summer, but I know that I'm simply fooling myself. Though I still manage to get awkward tan lines. Funny how that works.  Funny how everything works. I'm in one of those moods. 

Moods are stupid. Feelings are stupid. This entire summer, I've been struggling with a certain type of feeling that I didn't want to surface for a long while. These feelings can make you do some pretty darn stupid stuff--the kind of stuff that you'd never imagined yourself doing in any other circumstance. How stupid. But it can be wonderful. 

This summer was filled to the brim with wonderful in every form. Family vacations, spending long hours doing nothing with my closest friends, Jesus highs that made me want to sing, times of desolation that made me want to scream, laughter, tears, love, heartbreak... wonderful in every form that I've ever known. 

God is amazing. I mean, that pretty much goes without saying--He always is. But sometimes, I just have to state the obvious. He's brought me yet another perfect summer. It's come to an end, only to bring the start of something new. And I am so excited. 

Mama I'm a Big Girl Now. Kind of.

As much as I love to deny it, I am growing up. My half birthday was yesterday. Not a single one of my friends threw me a party or bought me a car or anything. And not a single one of them had a very good excuse. But I forgave them anyways. 

My childhood is coming to an end. But as the countdown continues on, I'm starting to feel more and more okay with this. 

Bring it. 

But not yet. I'm totally okay with waiting 181 days. 

Oh, Hey Again.

Well, ladies and gentleman. It appears that our favorite Rachel Claire has returned to the blogging world. With the school year coming to it's much-awaited ending, I think I'm going to take up this past time again. 

Oh, hush. Don't act like you didn't miss me. <3 

Whoa, guys. Junior year is actually almost over. It's bittersweet, really. I've come to the realization that my childhood is nearly over. I'll be 18 in exactly 217 days. I'm not exactly sure how to feel about this. For one thing, I look forward to see where God is leading me in my life. I look forward to go out and serve Him in the world. I'm excited for the future. And yet, I hesitate. I don't see myself ever fully letting go of my childhood. I guess I don't like to see beautiful things come to an end. But I know that this ending is beautiful, because it's the beginning of something even greater. Bring it. 

Oh and hey guess what. I like a guy. I think. His name is HahadoyoureallythinkI'dsaythatonhere. You can be sure that he'll be the subject of future posts. Stupid hormones. 

Wait. What am I doing? I have finals to study for. 

BUT I SHALL RETURN AGAIN. RACHEL IS BACK IN THE BLOGGING BUSINESS, Y'ALL. 

Adoration.

I made my way to the Adoration chapel, breathless and happy. I could feel a pull in my heart, as if Jesus was calling out to me from the Tabernacle where He resided.  It was the beginning of Easter break and besides, there was no place I would rather be than sitting in front of the Eucharist. Lent was coming to an end, and I'd been longing to spend some time with Him.
 
I pulled open the heavy door to the chapel, smiling as I breathed in the faint smell of incense. I dipped my finger tips into the holy water font and genuflected. Already, my heart was getting that familiar flutter that comes whenever I can feel myself come close to God. I sank into a pew close to the front and set my gaze upon the Monstrance. Shivers ran up and down my spine as I sat there in the utter stillness. I do so love the Holy Presence. 

"Hello, Jesus," I whispered. I could almost imagine Him turning towards me with a warm smile on His face as He wrapped me in His loving arms and held me close. 

"Hello, My child. I've been waiting for you," He would say. 

Smiling to myself at the thought, I took my rosary beads out of my bag and knelt down to pray. As I meditated on the Sorrowful mysteries, I gazed upon the large crucifix hanging above the altar. I murmured the prayers to myself, fingering my beads as I meditated over the Sorrowful mysteries. The Agony in the Garden, The Scourging at the Pillar, The Crowning of Thorns, The Carrying of the Cross, and finally The Crucifixion. Finishing with a Hail Holy Queen and then a St. Michael prayer, I once again turned my gaze towards the Monstrance. -->

Lent's almost over. For some reason, this Lent didn't seem as long as others had. Not that I really mind either way. I hold a special place in my heart for the season of Lent. To me, suffering has always been something to be seen as beautiful. What a beautiful way to grow closer to my God, to carry the Cross along side of Him as He stumbles up the hill to pay the price for my sins. 

It's been a beautiful Lent. I've slipped up more than once, but through the graces that I received from the Sacrament, I made it through. I feel so much stronger with these beautiful graces. Even still, I'm tired and I'm craving sugar like none other. It's been a long, difficult 40 days in the desert, but we're almost there.

Praise be to Jesus.

My Child,

You may not know me,
but I know everything about you. 
Psalm 139:1

I know when you sit down and when you rise up. 
Psalm 139:2

I am familiar with all your ways. 
Psalm 139:3

Even the very hairs on your head are numbered. 
Matthew 10:29-31

For you were made in my image. 
Genesis 1:27

In me you live and move and have your being.
Acts 17:28

For you are my offspring. 
Acts 17:28

I knew you even before you were conceived. 
Jeremiah 1:4-5

I chose you when I planned creation. 
Ephesians 1:11-12

You were not a mistake,
for all your days are written in my book. 
Psalm 139:15-16

I determined the exact time of your birth
and where you would live. 
Acts 17:26

You are fearfully and wonderfully made. 
Psalm 139:14

I knit you together in your mother's womb. 
Psalm 139:13

And brought you forth on the day you were born. 
Psalm 71:6

I have been misrepresented
by those who don't know me.
John 8:41-44

I am not distant and angry,
but am the complete expression of love. 
1 John 4:16

And it is my desire to lavish my love on you. 
1 John 3:1

Simply because you are my child
and I am your Father. 
1 John 3:1

I offer you more than your earthly father ever could. 
Matthew 7:11

For I am the perfect father. 
Matthew 5:48

Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand. 
James 1:17

For I am your provider and I meet all your needs. 
Matthew 6:31-33

My plan for your future has always been filled with hope. 
Jeremiah 29:11

Because I love you with an everlasting love. 
Jeremiah 31:3

My thoughts toward you are countless
as the sand on the seashore.
Psalms 139:17-18

And I rejoice over you with singing. 
Zephaniah 3:17

I will never stop doing good to you. 
Jeremiah 32:40

For you are my treasured possession. 
Exodus 19:5

I desire to establish you
with all my heart and all my soul. 
Jeremiah 32:41

And I want to show you great and marvelous things. 
Jeremiah 33:3

If you seek me with all your heart,
you will find me. 
Deuteronomy 4:29

Delight in me and I will give you
the desires of your heart. 
Psalm 37:4

For it is I who gave you those desires. 
Philippians 2:13

I am able to do more for you
than you could possibly imagine. 
Ephesians 3:20

For I am your greatest encourager. 
2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

I am also the Father who comforts you
in all your troubles. 
2 Corinthians 1:3-4

When you are brokenhearted,
I am close to you. 
Psalm 34:18

As a shepherd carries a lamb,
I have carried you close to my heart. 
Isaiah 40:11

One day I will wipe away
every tear from your eyes. 
Revelation 21:3-4

And I'll take away all the pain
you have suffered on this earth.
Revelation 21:3-4

I am your Father, and I love you
even as I love my son, Jesus.
John 17:23

For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed. 
John 17:26

He is the exact representation of my being. 
Hebrews 1:3

He came to demonstrate that I am for you,
not against you. 
Romans 8:31

And to tell you that I am not counting your sins.
2 Corinthians 5:18-19

Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled. 
2 Corinthians 5:18-19

His death was the ultimate expression
of my love for you. 
1 John 4:10

I gave up everything I loved
that I might gain your love. 
Romans 8:31-32

If you receive the gift of my son Jesus,
you receive me. 
1 John 2:23

And nothing will ever separate you
from my love again.
Romans 8:38-39

Come home and I'll throw the biggest party
heaven has ever seen.
Luke 15:7

I have always been Father,
and will always be Father.
Ephesians 3:14-15

My question is…
Will you be my child? 
John 1:12-13

I am waiting for you. 
Luke 15:11-32

Love, Your DadAlmighty God

Father's Love Letter used by permission Father Heart Communications 
© 1999-2011 www.FathersLoveLetter.com

February Does Funny Things to Me.

I often lay in bed at night, wondering about the poor soul who gets to grow old with me. I already care about him very much. Every single day, I pray to Our Lady, asking her to hold him close. I write letters to him and keep them hidden in a very secret spot.  It's kind of funny to think about. There's actually a guy who's going to be crazy lucky enough to love me on day. A guy who's living, breathing, digesting food... Eep. O.o 

I've always felt a strong call to be married. And holy whoa I'm growing up. I'll be allowed to actually date soon enough. It's kind of strange to wrap my mind around, but it's wonderful and exciting at the same time. But for now, I don't really let myself think about it too much. Too many emotions. I'd probably explode. 

I wonder what he's like. I already know he's insane, considering the fact that he's going to be marrying me. I only pray that he isn't too insane. I also pray that he's an exact replica of Pier Giorgio Frassati. But I suppose that one is kind of a long shot. 

No matter what, I will pray for him every single day until I meet him. And then I will pray for him every single day until I die. Every rosary I pray, every Mass I go to, I always lift it up for him. It's all I can do right now. But I'm totally okay with that. 

Zephaniah is Fun to Say.

I'm suffering from writer's block and I haven't written a blog post in awhile, so here's a list of the random poop that's on my mind. You're welcome. 

1. School. My teachers are becoming my BFF's. No seriously, we bond. I'm starting to get better at being more motivated to do things, but I'd still be perfectly happy if all of my classes decided to go die in a hole. 

2. Lifeteen is once again a part of my life. I am so excited over the fact that I've been able to go and fully participate for these past three LifeNights. And I only had a seizure once. This makes me so freakishly happy. God is so good. 

3. I can tell that this year is going to be a really good year. Sure, I've been experiencing a large roller coaster of emotions this past month, but I think that I'm starting to get more in control of all that. I just have really good feelings about this. Good feelings and high hopes for fantasticness. 

4. I got a new dresser. I'm simply thrilled about how much it brings my room together. It's all so clean and organized now! I've just got to keep looking on Craigslist for another one so my sister/roommate can share in this organized blissfulness. 

5. Pinterest is my new obsession. I love the array of creative hairstyles, nail art, DIY's, and organizational ideas. I mean, it's not like I would ever actually do any of that ridiculousness, but it's fun to look at. 

6. Two year olds are funny. It's my job to put my brother, Benny, down for a nap everyday and let me tell you: it takes mad skills. He's got this new thing where he won't stay asleep unless he's right on top of me, which is very annoying because I have things to go do and the WiFi in his room is barely even existent. 

7. I'm starting to develop quite an impressive collection of scarves. They are absolutely fantastic and I get complimented on them whenever I go out. Too bad Tucson only gets scarf weather maybe one month altogether in the whole year.

8. Doctor Who. No really. Doctor Who. Why is it so amazing? My wallpaper is currently a disturbing picture of the Empty Child. Ack! I love it too much. 

9. And Star Trek. My mom and I bond over our mutual love for this show. It's beautiful.

10. I get to go to a camp for people with disabilities this summer. Bonus? I might get to meet a friend that's in this Facebook prayer group with me, Mike. I would seriously die of happiness if this actually happened. I love meeting internet people. 

11. Some of the cashiers and other workers at Walmart know me. They give me compliments on my red high tops and laugh when I accidentally do stupid things in front of them. I don't see a problem with this. They're nice people. I can feel you judging me. Stop it. 

12. I've got a goal to get better enough to hold a job again. I want to start saving for college some more. And besides, I like working. Just not at Sonic. Never again. 

13. Cheetos are a gift from God. That is all. 

14. One of my poor future children is probably going to end up with a name like Zephaniah. I just get way too amused with saying things like that. Poor little future child. #sorrynotsorry 

15. Because I can't end my list with an even number.