On Loving People With Disabilities

I’m writing this in honor of Down syndrome awareness month, but this can be applied to loving anyone with a disability. Our culture screams “acceptance,” but it hasn’t quite wrapped its mind around what that means when it comes to loving a person with a disability. Too often, our initial reaction is to take pity when we see an individual with a disability. Our hearts are in the right place, and we want to love and accept everyone around us for who they are, but good intentions don’t equal appropriate actions.

Honestly, the majority of our culture is simply ignorant. Our world has spent so many years hiding people with disabilities in institutions and keeping them away from being a part of the culture. No one knows how to really love them as they deserved to be loved as people, because the mere idea of even seeing these people as people is a new one to us. It’s a sad thing, really, and it’s time we educated ourselves to give people with disabilities the right that they have to be treated with equal respect.

First thing’s first: person first language. It might seem like such a small thing, but sometimes it is those small things that show a great deal of respect. The way we speak about a person has a real effect on the the images and attitudes we form about them, and the impression that our words leave behind can be either positive or negative. Consider for a minute how it might feel to be perceived by others by your “negative” characteristics, like if you were referred to as the “balding man,” or the “acne girl,” or the “wrinkled woman.” Putting the characteristics before the person takes away some of that person’s humanity, and it blocks the view of any positive characteristics that they might have. Individuals with disabilities are more than whatever their diagnosis is. They’re people first. We all have our own struggles--diagnosis or otherwise--but we don’t need to put an emphasis on this. That “Down syndrome boy” is more than his diagnosis of Down syndrome. He’s a brother, a son, and a friend. And yeah, he happens to have Down syndrome, too.

The most important thing of all is to remember that this is an individual person that you are interacting with. This is a person that has their own individual personality and their own individual story. It’s not fair to anyone to segregate a person into a  group based on their diagnosis. For example, “they’re all so happy” is a phrase that I often hear when I mention that I have a brother with Down syndrome. By “they,” the person is usually talking about the entire population with Down syndrome as a whole, clumping each of these individual people into a group and defining this group with a stereotype, even if this stereotype is a positive one. It takes away their humanity by ignoring their individuality. People with Down syndrome have and use a whole range of emotions, just like anyone. “They’re all so cute!” is another phrase I hear that makes me cringe. It’s the use of words like “they” and “us” that just separates us further. I think that the best way to accept a person with a disability is to notice what you have in common, instead of focusing on what they might have different about them. Stereotyping is focusing on how people with disabilities are different than the rest of us, which continues to separate and isolate them from our community.

Here’s a tip: if you’re trying to figure out if what you’re going to say is appropriate, try picturing those words with a race of people, or even a gender. “Black people are in their own little world,” or “women are all so happy!” These sound rude and stereotypical, don’t they? Well, they are. Our culture is making steps to accept and love every gender and race equally, but we still have yet to grasp that we need to be making these same steps in acceptance for people with disabilities.

I often see headlines pop up on social media about a boy who “overcame his Down syndrome and became prom king” or a girl who “sang the National Anthem despite the fact that she had autism.” We need to stop pitying people simply because they’re different. Not only that, but we need to start expecting this sort of thing as the norm. Why should we have to lower our expectations for people with disabilities? The girl can sing, she should sing. So what if she has autism? There’s no reason why a person should be denied opportunities like running for prom king based on their abilities. Especially if it’s completely unrelated, like the girl with autism. Just like anyone, people with disabilities have something awesome to offer the world, and it’s no one’s right to take that away.

I’ve had people tell me before that they get intimidated being with and around people with disabilities, and that makes me feel really sad. They’re missing out on some really great experiences and friendships. If you feel this way, I encourage you to make this something that you overcome for yourself. Don’t be afraid of people because they move or think differently than you do. All of our minds and bodies are different, but some of our differences are more obvious than others. The more you see the person with a disability as a person, the less intimidating or scary they become. It all comes down to treating people as people.

I’m not trying to be judgmental or point fingers at anyone. I get it. We’ve all been raised in a world where people with disabilities are seen as “other,” and it’s not an easy thing to change that mindset. Let’s try, though. An injustice is being done, and we should fight it. But how can we start? It’s simple, really. Here are a few ideas:

Cut down on the negative language. Or really, cut it out of your vocabulary all together. I’ve said it once and I’m saying it again. The words and language you use have a huge impact on the perception of people around you. Using words or phrases like “retarded” or “he seems to be lacking chromosomes” is derogatory and dehumanizing to real people. Just...stop. There are so many other things you can say.

Be patient, with yourself and with them. Especially when you’re working with/hanging out with a person with an intellectual disability. You’re different. Know that, but don’t focus on it.

Talk to people with disabilities, not around them. When I’m with my brother, who has Down syndrome, people tend to talk about him to me. He’s eight years old, smart as a whip, and strongly opinionated. Trust me, he can tell you anything you need to know way better than I can.  

Don’t baby talk. A 31 year old man--or even an 8 year old boy--should to be spoken to the way any person his age would be spoken to. He deserves to be treated with dignity and respect. I’ve heard respites talk to Max in a way that one might talk to an infant. “Is Max hungry? Oh yes he is!” or “Give the ball to Rachel!”

Make the interaction positive. When you see a person with a disability in the grocery store, and you know you want to acknowledge them in some way, try to find something other than “you’re so inspirational!” Are they really inspirational for going to the store to buy groceries? That sounds a little patronizing, doesn't it? Trust me, it comes across more negatively than you’d think. Compliment them like you would compliment anyone.

Honestly, props to those of you for even trying to educate yourselves. Too many of us will continue to ignore people with disabilities. We’re growing closer to acceptance and love, but we have a long way to go. Let’s make more of an effort to keep moving forward.

To Whom it May Concern (aka me):

Take up your rosary beads. Finger them and know that the Mother of God is with you and desires nothing less than to bring you closer to her Son. This is her mission. Look at the Crucifix. Gaze upon the face of Love. Finger the nails in His hands and feet. Love for the Passion and for the sufferings of Christ and His Blessed Mother is what brought you to desire to live for Him more fully. In the simple sufferings of your own life, you love Him as He loved you. Remember how beautiful it is to suffer with Him? This world is full of hardship and pain. Not one of us can avoid it. If the suffering in this life is as inevitable as it is, why not bring it to God? In our little day to day sacrifices, our hearts are more drawn to His Sacred Heart. This world cannot offer you anything greater than this. 

Stop at nothing but the greatness you were created for. Remember that there is nothing to hate more than mediocrity. It is evil under the disguise of something good. It is too easy, though. It is lazy. It is tempting and looks desirable to us because of this. Sin tends to look pretty, doesn’t it? The greatness God calls you to is hard and it is scary. We all fear because of the temptation to be mediocre. Never fall to mediocrity. Look back to the Crucifix and see that true love suffers. 

You’re afraid. But then again, what college freshman doesn’t fear what the future holds? You worry too much, you silly little girl. You always fear that you aren’t doing something right. You forget that the God Who created the universe has your life carefully planned out, and He will lead you if only you will trust Him. You need to trust Him, darling. You are a lovely young woman with a heart that desires nothing but to serve God and you do not trust Him? Silly girl. Do everything for His greater glory and I promise you that it will all be okay. 

Be prepared to suffer and know that sometimes it will hurt, but do not forget Who you are living for. You are here on this earth to love and to be loved. This life might be only temporary, but the reason you are here is a beautiful one. You are here to love those who the world does not. This is your mission. That two year old who has the poopiest diaper you’ve ever seen in your life? Look at her chubby little cheeks and see the face of God. The child bound by a disability that makes him as helpless as a infant? Tickle his tummy to make him laugh and hear the voice of God. Wipe the snot out of their tiny noses and say a prayer to St. Veronica, who wiped the blood from God’s brow. It might all seem so small and sometimes you wonder if it’s even worth it, but the little things are so much in His plan for your greatness. 

You have so much to offer to this world. Do not be discouraged. After all, you are the precious daughter of God. Do not forget this. Show love in your family, your work, your friendships and your relationship. Life is scary but you have nothing to fear. Take a deep breath. Focus on what you can do now. Let God handle the rest. It’s in His hands and so are you. 

Take up that rosary again. Let’s begin. In the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Amen. 

It's a Beautiful Thing, Really.

Life is a painful, beautiful confusion. I suppose that's a common way for your typical college freshman to think. I'm so afraid of the future. I feel the desire to control it, but I know that I must simply leave it in the Hands of my Savior. It's not an easy thing to do. I'm a control freak. I wish I could know what the future holds and how I am to prepare for it. But that's simply not the way life works. It's kind of annoying, really. And yet at the same time, I have total faith in whatever it is that God has in store for me. That's the beauty of faith. I know for a fact that wherever it is that God's leading me, He will never fail. As long as it's a place that will lead me to be with Him forever in Heaven, that's exactly where I want to be. Because really, that's what life is all about. Nothing else matters. 
Even in my continuing health problems, my struggle to adjust to college, my constant bickerings with my family, and anything that should cause me to lay in bed and cry into my pillow, the God Who holds the world in His hands is holding me close to His heart. I lift my fears to Him and know that even in my constant failures, He will never fail me. To make things even better, His beloved mother wraps me in her mantle and keeps me in her constant intercession. It's a beautiful thing, faith. 

Sister Sister

My God,

You're calling my sister to You, to be Your bride. And she's running to You with her arms open, ready to serve You in any way that You desire. Her love for You is endless, and I know she will make for a wonderful bride for You. You deserve someone as amazing as my big sister. She's going to look beautiful in her habit. 

Remember when I told You that I am completely Yours? Remember how I promised that anything that I had was Yours to take? Well, I meant every word. I will continue to live up to that promise every day of my life. However, I do think I'm going to need some help.I never thought that you were going to take my sister, the one person in my life that I'm closest to. I didn't realize how hard it was going to be to let go. 

My God, grant me peace. 

You see her as she goes on all those discernment retreats with the Sisters. You protect her as she travels around the country, and You guide her so that she might one day find the order that You want her to become a part of. She follows Your calling willingly and joyfully, and she never fails to come home with a thousand stories about the Sisters and how much she loved her visits with them. She always comes home so happy. And that makes me happy. 

But at the same time, never have I been so unhappy. I know You're watching over me as I sit on my bed each night she's away, afraid of the sacrifice You're calling me to make for the sake of my sister's vocation. You see every tear that drips down my face, and You know the fears I hold in my heart. I know You hear my cries for help to let go, to let You take my sister without a moment of hesitation. But I trust You, even though it seems like You're holding back on that. I know You have a reason for letting me sit here feeling such distress over this. 

I do realize how silly and selfish I sound right now. I mean, it's not like I really have a choice. But even if I did, I would still give her up for You. You know I would. But right now, what is it that's holding me back? Why is this so hard? You're calling her to be with You. My prayer is a constant plea for You to help me find peace in this. But even as I sit in front of You in the Blessed Sacrament, but heart becomes even heavier. I feel guilty that I feel so sad about my sister responding to Your call for her. I feel like I'm holding something back from You. 

I'm afraid of losing her. My goodness, I'm like a two year old right now. I say "Here, Father. You may have anything." And then when You take it, I only pull it back with a cry of "No, Father!" Except not really. I'm not saying no to You. But I am saying that I'm afraid. I do trust that You're holding us both close to Your heart. This will be good because I know that You are good. 

I offer up all of my fears and distress up to You. I am forever Your servant. Lead the way, my Shepherd. I am Your little lamb and I will love You always. I pray for peace.

With all my love,
Rachel

In Which I Ramble About the Beautiful Chaos that is my Life

Marisa Clare Photography

I sincerely miss blogging. I keep saying I’ll write a post about this and that, but of course it never happens. Life is so busy, and my rare moments of down time are spent elsewhere. It used to bug me that I’ve neglected this part of my life, but I’ve just come to accept it as a thing of the past. But I do miss it, hence why I’ve returned to write again. Once more, perhaps. And maybe again in the future. We’ll see.

So much has changed in my life since I last wrote. I’m growing up, and I’m okay with that. I look forward to see what it is that God has in store for the future. The thought that graduation is in about a month and a half brings bittersweet feelings. I doubt that I’ll miss high school. My best friend is moving to Florida, though. I’m not sure I’ll ever be okay with that. The end of high school means the end of so many beautiful things. It’s a scary thought, but it’s an exciting kind of scary.

I really don’t know what I want to do with my life yet. I’ll be starting off at a community college near my house at first, and then I’ll probably move on to the University of Arizona after that. I’m entirely sure what I’ll study. Speech therapy sounds like fun. So does working in the slums of Calcutta. My life is a constant discernment of what it is that God wants from me. My future is completely in His hands. I suppose that’s how it’s supposed to be. It can be quite frustrating, to be honest. I wish He would be clearer in telling me what it is that He wants from me. My life is a constant discernment, and a never ending “we’ll see.”

I know a guy that looks like Pier Giorgio Frassati. Even better, he’s just about as holy, too. He makes me have many emotions. I’m tired of emotions. I gave up emotions for Lent. It’s not working out very well. Darn it, boy. This, like everything else, is in the hands of God. This, too, is a “we’ll see.” I’m not even sure if he reads my blog. If he does, I’m sure he’d know I was talking about him. That might be awkward. Hi, boy.

I have the most incredible job in the world. I work at a daycare near my house. I basically get paid to cuddle with toddlers. I’ve developed a strong love for the thought of God as our most loving Father. I can see why He loves us so much as His children. I know that He’s calling me to the vocation of motherhood. I see His love most when I’m caring for children. I look forward to that point in my life when I finally get to raise a dozen of my own little saints and teach them to know and to love Him.

This post really had no structure. I’d apologize, but I’m really not that sorry. It simply feels good to blog again. 

GUEST POST: Light of Love and Sisters: a Tale of Two Films

A couple months ago Imagine Sisters released the film Light of Love, an hour-long documentary highlighting the beauty of Religious Life. It is beautiful. If you haven’t seen it yet, you need to stop what you’re doing and go watch it. As in, unless you are either A) in Mass or B) helping another person, you have no better way to spend the next hour. So much goodness.

Just a couple weeks ago, though, I stumbled upon another documentary, this one produced by the Leadership Conference of Women Religious (LCWR). With the simple title Sisters, this film is interestingly similar to Light of Love. Both well produced, beautifully reflective, hour-long documentaries focus on the lives of five individual Sisters from different Religious orders. The films even came out about the same time.

As a young Catholic who has discerned Religious Life for many years, I am well aware of the decades-long discussion about the two major groups of women Religious in the United States. In addition to the LCWR, there is the Council of Major Superiors of Women Religious (CMSWR), which all the Religious Orders from Light of Love are a part of. Throughout the years, I have heard many people argue endlessly about the “orthodoxy” of the “beautifully habited CMSWR Sisters” versus the “liberalism” of the “habit-less Sisters of the LCWR.”

So interested, though a bit wary, I sat down to through the entirety of Sisters, making mental notes along the way.  As with Light of Love, this film presents the work and lives of joyful Sisters, and much of it is very beautiful. But as I expected, there were some major differences.

Because these films are so similar, I immediately wondered if anyone else has compared the two. A quick search only brought up one article on the website A Nun’s Life. The article’s author, Sister Julie, writes that these two films bring up the diversity—“good diversity!”—in the lives of Sisters today.

To an extent, I agree with those who say, “Oh hey! Both groups of Sisters are serving Jesus and other people! Why compare them?” In her article, Sister Julie even explains, “I cringe at any type of labeling of nuns as liberal or not, orthodox or not, faithful or not, habited or not, authentic or not. These are divisive categories that denigrate the Body of Christ.” I get it. We should never try to create categories of “us Catholics” and “them Catholics.” However, I think there are actually deeper issues with the Religious Life presented in Sisters than we realize at first.

First of all, the visibility of the Sisterhood was the initial thing that stuck out to me. One of the Sisters in Sisters talks about how she works in the hospital, but she does not wear a habit or even introduce herself as “Sister Karen,” because, “It’s not what people are expecting.” I find this ironic, because she also talks about going to Catholic school as a child, and how people around town would recognize her “Catholic-ness” because of her school uniform. She remembers, “The Sisters always told us, ‘Behave, because you’ve got the uniform on.’” Was this such a bad thing? Why hasn’t her proclamation of her “Catholic-ness” carried over into her Religious Life?

Compare her story, though, to one of the Sisters from Light of Love, who, coincidentally, also works in the hospital. She does wear a habit and everyone everywhere immediately recognizes her as a Religious Sister—someone different, someone who is living for Someone else, and not for this world. In her experience of wearing the habit, she explains that when she goes to the waiting room to call someone back, their face visibly changes—there is a comfort. A trust. Seeing her habit, many people will also come up to her and ask her to pray for them. Because her Religious consecration is so visible, she gets that opportunity to witness, to be available, and to pray for others who come up to ask her for prayers.

In Pope John Paul II’s Vita Consecrata, he declares that “The first duty of the consecrated life is to make visible [emphasis his] the marvels wrought by God in the frail humanity of those who are called. They bear witness to these marvels not so much in words as by the eloquent language of a transfigured life, capable of amazing the world.” It really should be the goal of Religious to make God’s marvels visible, in whatever way they can.

Another missing element from Sisters is prayer. While Light of Love has many beautiful clips of Sisters praying in many different ways, there are none of these images found in Sisters. Sure, they talk about it. But there is quite a bit of footage from their apostolates, so why was the most important part of a Religious Sister’s life not shown?

At one point, one of the Sisters in Sisters says, “In one sense, I feel like I lead two lives.” She is a pediatric emergency physician and a Sister of Mercy. Compare this, though, to a quote from Light of Love: “...you really can’t separate prayer from your work because when you are praying unceasingly in your heart, our Lord is always with you.”

I won’t deny that the Sisters whose work is presented in Sisters are doing beautiful things. One of the Sisters tells an awesome story of being able to help a young girl with clubbed feet be able to walk. Another builds houses in New Orleans with young adults, while still another is able to serve people through counseling them. However, the documentary Sisters really only focuses on the humanitarian work that these Sisters are doing, and forgets about the most important role of Religious in the world today—leading other people to Christ and to Heaven. We are not created for this world.

Pope John Paul II writes about the most important thing in life: “[Religious’] witness helps the whole Church to remember that the most important thing is to serve God freely, through Christ's grace which is communicated to believers through the gift of the Spirit. Thus they proclaim to the world the peace which comes from the Father, the dedication witnessed to by the Son, and the joy which is the fruit of the Holy Spirit.” In everything they do, Religious Sisters need to remind people that the most important thing is to serve God.

One of the Sisters in Light of Love explains,

“...things   will   eventually   fade,   things   break,   they   don’t   fulfill,   for   a  moment they   fulfill   and   then  it’s  emptiness  again...  All  of  this  passes  away  and  I  think for  me  the  reason  why  is  because  I  am  living  for  eternity  and  I  can  start  that now.”

And unfortunately, it is this perspective that I think Sisters is missing. 

The Most Beautiful Gift

It is the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass from which my desire to know and to love God deepens. It is with the intimacy with Christ Himself that I get when I receive Him in the Eucharist that makes me conscious of my own sinfulness and my desperate need for Christ’s mercy. Drawn by the longing for this mercy, the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass inflames the desire that I hold in my heart to grow ever closer to Him. The Holy Mass brings me in communion with Christ in the Eucharist, and my own spiritual life thrives from it.

It is the Eucharist from which I gain everything that I am to ever have, even in my ordinary everyday life. It is the Eucharist from which I draw my strength to live each day fully for Him and for Him alone. It is my silent daily prayer, in which I beg for Him to be present in my day to day life. In the words of St. Faustina, “This bread of the Strong gives me all the strength I need to carry on my mission and the courage to do whatever the Lord asks of me. The courage and strength that are in me are not of me, but of Him who lives in me - it is the Eucharist.”

Not only does the Holy Mass give me the strength I need to live as the saint that I am called to be, it deepens my understanding of the reason that I was created: to know and to love and serve God in every way that I am capable. But even more so, it creates a strong desire to go even deeper in my understanding of this. As I watch the priest raise the Host from the paten with the words “This is My Body,” something is placed in my heart to know more about the wonder in which I am partaking. And as he raises the cup and the words “Do this in remembrance of Me” are uttered from his lips, I know that I can stop at nothing until this desire is fulfilled.

The Holy Sacrifice of the Mass fills something in us that cannot be filled elsewhere. We were all created with a God-shaped hole in our hearts. We all have a constant desire to search for something to fulfill this emptiness that we have. We look everywhere that we know, yet if we try to fill ourselves by searching in the world we are going to be left empty handed. True happiness can not and does not come from the pleasures of the world. True happiness comes solely from the love of God. The most intimate and profound way that we can possibly experience this divine love is through the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass.

The Most Holy Sacrament of the Eucharist is the sacrament of Divine Humility. In this sacrament, Jesus offers Himself down so that He can become our very food—our daily Bread for our journey to God. When I partake in this sacrament, I am able to experience firsthand what true humility is. God, in His utter greatness and immense power, brings Himself to become small so that we might be able to approach Him. In the words of St. Cyril of Alexandria: “If the power of pride is swelling up in you, turn to the Eucharist; and that Bread, Which is your God humbling and disguising Himself, will teach you humility.” Through Christ’s humble example in the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass, I am brought to have a deeper understanding and to take in a greater intellect of how He gives Himself as a living example of what he wants from me as His follower.