Sister Sister

My God,

You're calling my sister to You, to be Your bride. And she's running to You with her arms open, ready to serve You in any way that You desire. Her love for You is endless, and I know she will make for a wonderful bride for You. You deserve someone as amazing as my big sister. She's going to look beautiful in her habit. 

Remember when I told You that I am completely Yours? Remember how I promised that anything that I had was Yours to take? Well, I meant every word. I will continue to live up to that promise every day of my life. However, I do think I'm going to need some help.I never thought that you were going to take my sister, the one person in my life that I'm closest to. I didn't realize how hard it was going to be to let go. 

My God, grant me peace. 

You see her as she goes on all those discernment retreats with the Sisters. You protect her as she travels around the country, and You guide her so that she might one day find the order that You want her to become a part of. She follows Your calling willingly and joyfully, and she never fails to come home with a thousand stories about the Sisters and how much she loved her visits with them. She always comes home so happy. And that makes me happy. 

But at the same time, never have I been so unhappy. I know You're watching over me as I sit on my bed each night she's away, afraid of the sacrifice You're calling me to make for the sake of my sister's vocation. You see every tear that drips down my face, and You know the fears I hold in my heart. I know You hear my cries for help to let go, to let You take my sister without a moment of hesitation. But I trust You, even though it seems like You're holding back on that. I know You have a reason for letting me sit here feeling such distress over this. 

I do realize how silly and selfish I sound right now. I mean, it's not like I really have a choice. But even if I did, I would still give her up for You. You know I would. But right now, what is it that's holding me back? Why is this so hard? You're calling her to be with You. My prayer is a constant plea for You to help me find peace in this. But even as I sit in front of You in the Blessed Sacrament, but heart becomes even heavier. I feel guilty that I feel so sad about my sister responding to Your call for her. I feel like I'm holding something back from You. 

I'm afraid of losing her. My goodness, I'm like a two year old right now. I say "Here, Father. You may have anything." And then when You take it, I only pull it back with a cry of "No, Father!" Except not really. I'm not saying no to You. But I am saying that I'm afraid. I do trust that You're holding us both close to Your heart. This will be good because I know that You are good. 

I offer up all of my fears and distress up to You. I am forever Your servant. Lead the way, my Shepherd. I am Your little lamb and I will love You always. I pray for peace.

With all my love,
Rachel

In Which I Ramble About the Beautiful Chaos that is my Life

Marisa Clare Photography

I sincerely miss blogging. I keep saying I’ll write a post about this and that, but of course it never happens. Life is so busy, and my rare moments of down time are spent elsewhere. It used to bug me that I’ve neglected this part of my life, but I’ve just come to accept it as a thing of the past. But I do miss it, hence why I’ve returned to write again. Once more, perhaps. And maybe again in the future. We’ll see.

So much has changed in my life since I last wrote. I’m growing up, and I’m okay with that. I look forward to see what it is that God has in store for the future. The thought that graduation is in about a month and a half brings bittersweet feelings. I doubt that I’ll miss high school. My best friend is moving to Florida, though. I’m not sure I’ll ever be okay with that. The end of high school means the end of so many beautiful things. It’s a scary thought, but it’s an exciting kind of scary.

I really don’t know what I want to do with my life yet. I’ll be starting off at a community college near my house at first, and then I’ll probably move on to the University of Arizona after that. I’m entirely sure what I’ll study. Speech therapy sounds like fun. So does working in the slums of Calcutta. My life is a constant discernment of what it is that God wants from me. My future is completely in His hands. I suppose that’s how it’s supposed to be. It can be quite frustrating, to be honest. I wish He would be clearer in telling me what it is that He wants from me. My life is a constant discernment, and a never ending “we’ll see.”

I know a guy that looks like Pier Giorgio Frassati. Even better, he’s just about as holy, too. He makes me have many emotions. I’m tired of emotions. I gave up emotions for Lent. It’s not working out very well. Darn it, boy. This, like everything else, is in the hands of God. This, too, is a “we’ll see.” I’m not even sure if he reads my blog. If he does, I’m sure he’d know I was talking about him. That might be awkward. Hi, boy.

I have the most incredible job in the world. I work at a daycare near my house. I basically get paid to cuddle with toddlers. I’ve developed a strong love for the thought of God as our most loving Father. I can see why He loves us so much as His children. I know that He’s calling me to the vocation of motherhood. I see His love most when I’m caring for children. I look forward to that point in my life when I finally get to raise a dozen of my own little saints and teach them to know and to love Him.

This post really had no structure. I’d apologize, but I’m really not that sorry. It simply feels good to blog again. 

Come and Gone.

Almost as quickly as it came, summer 2k13 skids to an end. I don't care what they keep telling me--how every year is the same and all that pish posh. I swear this year is going by much faster than it should. And it might have to do with the fact that it's the one year that I want to last forever. I turn 18 in 138 days. Senior year starts in a mere 5. I want time to stop, but at the same time, it can't go by fast enough. 

The early August humidity soaks into me as I ponder life and everything in it. Disgusted at the stickiness that always comes from our Tucson monsoons, I wipe the sweat from my face. I like to tell myself that my Irish skin has tanned to a darker shade of white this summer, but I know that I'm simply fooling myself. Though I still manage to get awkward tan lines. Funny how that works.  Funny how everything works. I'm in one of those moods. 

Moods are stupid. Feelings are stupid. This entire summer, I've been struggling with a certain type of feeling that I didn't want to surface for a long while. These feelings can make you do some pretty darn stupid stuff--the kind of stuff that you'd never imagined yourself doing in any other circumstance. How stupid. But it can be wonderful. 

This summer was filled to the brim with wonderful in every form. Family vacations, spending long hours doing nothing with my closest friends, Jesus highs that made me want to sing, times of desolation that made me want to scream, laughter, tears, love, heartbreak... wonderful in every form that I've ever known. 

God is amazing. I mean, that pretty much goes without saying--He always is. But sometimes, I just have to state the obvious. He's brought me yet another perfect summer. It's come to an end, only to bring the start of something new. And I am so excited. 

The Story of the M&M's and the Evil Siblings: A Tragedy

She opened the bag of M&M's, ready to indulge in the glories of chocolaty goodness, only to find...

...the bag completely empty, just like her heart. Her greedy siblings had probably taken all of her candies while she was out... um, doing things like serving the poor and caring for the elderly. 

Yeah, that's it. 

RIP, my beloved chocolate. You will be missed. 

My Favorite Kind of Person

You know that kind of person who just seems as if God has placed them in your life at just the right time in your story? 
The kind that you can talk to for hours on end, talking about nothing really in particular? 
The kind that makes you smile stupidly at random times because you thought of a funny thing that they said, or a fun time that you had with them? 
That kind of person who you can tell anything to, and not worry about what they think? 
The kind of person who you can dare to be yourself with, and be sure that they'll do the same? 
The kind that cheers you up after a crappy day with a simple hug? 

Yeah. They make life just a bit more worth it. Those people are a true gift from God. 

He Can't Help It. After All, He is My Brother.

Catholic Kids Play Catholic Games

I grew up closest to my little sister, Hannah, who's a little over two and a half years younger than me. We could spend hours playing house, making believe that we were old enough to wear high heels and pay taxes and go to high school and stuff. I somehow managed to always be what seemed to be the most important role of all: the mom. I was in charge of sending our baby dolls off to school and making sure they'd done their homework, changing their diapers and wiping their little plastic noses, and disciplining them when they were naughty. I was a pretty harsh person when it came to punishing my little angels. A crime such as refusing to eat their green building blocks (aka veggies) could easily get them a dip in the pool of boiling lava. Yes, I was a tough cookie. 

Much to my annoyance, Hannah always wanted to be the son named Michael. I would beg her, on my knees, to be the daughter just this once. Hannah was always a tomboy. If there was anything that was specifically "for boys," then she wanted it. Her favorite color was blue because it was "a boy color." We used to pass an IHOP when my mom would drive me to preschool. Hannah decided that it would be her school because it was blue. (Yes, my little sister went to school at the International House of Pancakes. Don't judge.) In her mind, Hannah was a boy named Michael. Sometimes, I would bribe her with a piece of gum to PULEEASE be a girl.  Every once in a while she would give in to my pleading, and I would be the proud mother of a girl name Michelle. 

When we weren't playing house, Hannah and I would find some other way to exercise our extremely active imaginations. My family is one of those hardcore Catholic families who can't help but be Catholic in everything we do. So as Catholic kids, naturally my siblings and I played Catholic games. We loved to play Mass with our Barbie dolls. For some reason, we never owned any Ken dolls growing up. We had to make do and chop off one of our Barbie doll's hair with scissors and draw a beard on her face to make her look more manly so that she could play the male parts in our games. Her name was Fr. Bob. "He" was the priest that would say Mass for all of our other dolls. 
Once, our family went to go play laser tag up in Phoenix to celebrate my little brother Michael learning how to read. If you've ever doubted that it would be possible to suck at playing laser tag, my family will just prove to you that it is most certainly possible. We might have actually been alright if we hadn't found it more fun to sacrifice ourselves for Jesus. That's right. We went Miguel Pro. "VIVA CRISTO REY!!!" 

If You Look Up "Cute" in the Dictionary...

You find this kid:

Congratulations Michael!

Michael received his first Communion today! It's been so cute watching him get so excited in his preparation over the weeks. He requested that red bow tie specifically. (Yes, I am proud to say that he's my brother.) He memorized all the major Catholic prayers. He "practiced" going up and receiving crackers. This morning he was so nervous, he was worried he might pee on his nice new suit. It was all worth it, though.
As I watched him go up to the Carmelite in the Jedi robe, my heart was racing for him. He just looked so innocently excited. I caught a glimpse of his face as he made the triumphant march back to his pew. Joy. Pure joy.
Of course, he had to Michaelize the moment when I asked him how he felt when he received the actual Body of Christ for the very first time. His response? "I just ate His real live Flesh. It kinda grosses me out." 

Hi My Name is Rachel Claire and I Have No Life

If there's one thing you should know about me, it's that I have absolutely no life. None. At all. My social life consists of merely three things: Lifeteen, home school group, and all of my lovely brothers and sisters. I have six of them, to be exact. Three little brothers and three sisters, one older and two younger. Including me, that's seven. Just the right amount to have.

One of my little brothers, Maximilian Kolbe, was born with Down syndrome. I absolutely adore him. He's got the most perfect chubby cheeks and beautiful almond shaped brown eyes.  In the three years that he's been in my life, he's taught me more about love than I could have ever discovered on my own. It just comes naturally to him.

This is Benedict. At 13 1/2 months old, he's the baby of the family. My older sister, Kateri, is his favorite person in the entire world. For no reason. She doesn't even play with him that much! He's just, like, obsessed with her to the point where he doesn't care about the rest of us. (Little turd.)

And this is my third little brother, Michael. He's eight. Isn't he handsome? He's one of the funniest kids that I know. (Hence the finger in the nose. Classic!) I love him even though he won't let me kiss him.

These are my sisters. From the left: Hannah (13), Savina (10), yours truly (16), Kateri (18), and the-kid-that's-not-really-a-sister-but-was-just-far-too-cute-not-to-include-in-the-picture (we call him Benedict for short). Anyways, can you tell that we love each other? And yes, we did take a mirror picture with the laptop. Please forgive us. We're dorks and we can't help it. I love these girls to death and my life would be empty, boring, and just plain suckish without them.
As I mentioned before, I'm homeschooled. I'm currently in the 10th grade. I actually... like it, as weird as it seems. But I do. I love being able to wake up at nine every morning, helping my mom with the sibs for a couple of hours, and then finishing school in three and a half hours. I'm closer to my family than I would ever be if I went to a public school. I do have teachers because I'm in an online school, but they're all amazing and I couldn't ask for better people to help me waltz down the road of education. (That's how much fun school is. I metaphorically dance through it. No joke.)
Lifeteen is huge in my life. It's taught me to not only live my faith, but to LOVE it at the same time. I've gained so many amazing friends, some beautiful memories, and lots of support through my hardest points in my teenage life. The best part is that it ain't over, baby, 'cause I'm only halfway through!
A couple days ago, my best friend Marisa (a fellow homeschooler) and I were in a carpool on our way to XLT (a night of praise and Adoration created by Lifeteen). The youth minister was lecturing us to bring some friends to Lifeteen. Marisa said it best: "All of my friends are already IN Lifeteen." Truer words have never been spoken. I. Have. No. Life.
But I'm happy. I'm lacking in a social life, but my God's given me Life that would beat having trillions of friends any day. And no, I am not just saying that because I have no friends. Well, kind of.  Just kidding, I have friends. But I'm mostly saying it because it's true. I am blessed by God and not afraid to say it!