Sister Sister

My God,

You're calling my sister to You, to be Your bride. And she's running to You with her arms open, ready to serve You in any way that You desire. Her love for You is endless, and I know she will make for a wonderful bride for You. You deserve someone as amazing as my big sister. She's going to look beautiful in her habit. 

Remember when I told You that I am completely Yours? Remember how I promised that anything that I had was Yours to take? Well, I meant every word. I will continue to live up to that promise every day of my life. However, I do think I'm going to need some help.I never thought that you were going to take my sister, the one person in my life that I'm closest to. I didn't realize how hard it was going to be to let go. 

My God, grant me peace. 

You see her as she goes on all those discernment retreats with the Sisters. You protect her as she travels around the country, and You guide her so that she might one day find the order that You want her to become a part of. She follows Your calling willingly and joyfully, and she never fails to come home with a thousand stories about the Sisters and how much she loved her visits with them. She always comes home so happy. And that makes me happy. 

But at the same time, never have I been so unhappy. I know You're watching over me as I sit on my bed each night she's away, afraid of the sacrifice You're calling me to make for the sake of my sister's vocation. You see every tear that drips down my face, and You know the fears I hold in my heart. I know You hear my cries for help to let go, to let You take my sister without a moment of hesitation. But I trust You, even though it seems like You're holding back on that. I know You have a reason for letting me sit here feeling such distress over this. 

I do realize how silly and selfish I sound right now. I mean, it's not like I really have a choice. But even if I did, I would still give her up for You. You know I would. But right now, what is it that's holding me back? Why is this so hard? You're calling her to be with You. My prayer is a constant plea for You to help me find peace in this. But even as I sit in front of You in the Blessed Sacrament, but heart becomes even heavier. I feel guilty that I feel so sad about my sister responding to Your call for her. I feel like I'm holding something back from You. 

I'm afraid of losing her. My goodness, I'm like a two year old right now. I say "Here, Father. You may have anything." And then when You take it, I only pull it back with a cry of "No, Father!" Except not really. I'm not saying no to You. But I am saying that I'm afraid. I do trust that You're holding us both close to Your heart. This will be good because I know that You are good. 

I offer up all of my fears and distress up to You. I am forever Your servant. Lead the way, my Shepherd. I am Your little lamb and I will love You always. I pray for peace.

With all my love,
Rachel

In Which I Ramble About the Beautiful Chaos that is my Life

Marisa Clare Photography

I sincerely miss blogging. I keep saying I’ll write a post about this and that, but of course it never happens. Life is so busy, and my rare moments of down time are spent elsewhere. It used to bug me that I’ve neglected this part of my life, but I’ve just come to accept it as a thing of the past. But I do miss it, hence why I’ve returned to write again. Once more, perhaps. And maybe again in the future. We’ll see.

So much has changed in my life since I last wrote. I’m growing up, and I’m okay with that. I look forward to see what it is that God has in store for the future. The thought that graduation is in about a month and a half brings bittersweet feelings. I doubt that I’ll miss high school. My best friend is moving to Florida, though. I’m not sure I’ll ever be okay with that. The end of high school means the end of so many beautiful things. It’s a scary thought, but it’s an exciting kind of scary.

I really don’t know what I want to do with my life yet. I’ll be starting off at a community college near my house at first, and then I’ll probably move on to the University of Arizona after that. I’m entirely sure what I’ll study. Speech therapy sounds like fun. So does working in the slums of Calcutta. My life is a constant discernment of what it is that God wants from me. My future is completely in His hands. I suppose that’s how it’s supposed to be. It can be quite frustrating, to be honest. I wish He would be clearer in telling me what it is that He wants from me. My life is a constant discernment, and a never ending “we’ll see.”

I know a guy that looks like Pier Giorgio Frassati. Even better, he’s just about as holy, too. He makes me have many emotions. I’m tired of emotions. I gave up emotions for Lent. It’s not working out very well. Darn it, boy. This, like everything else, is in the hands of God. This, too, is a “we’ll see.” I’m not even sure if he reads my blog. If he does, I’m sure he’d know I was talking about him. That might be awkward. Hi, boy.

I have the most incredible job in the world. I work at a daycare near my house. I basically get paid to cuddle with toddlers. I’ve developed a strong love for the thought of God as our most loving Father. I can see why He loves us so much as His children. I know that He’s calling me to the vocation of motherhood. I see His love most when I’m caring for children. I look forward to that point in my life when I finally get to raise a dozen of my own little saints and teach them to know and to love Him.

This post really had no structure. I’d apologize, but I’m really not that sorry. It simply feels good to blog again. 

Come and Gone.

Almost as quickly as it came, summer 2k13 skids to an end. I don't care what they keep telling me--how every year is the same and all that pish posh. I swear this year is going by much faster than it should. And it might have to do with the fact that it's the one year that I want to last forever. I turn 18 in 138 days. Senior year starts in a mere 5. I want time to stop, but at the same time, it can't go by fast enough. 

The early August humidity soaks into me as I ponder life and everything in it. Disgusted at the stickiness that always comes from our Tucson monsoons, I wipe the sweat from my face. I like to tell myself that my Irish skin has tanned to a darker shade of white this summer, but I know that I'm simply fooling myself. Though I still manage to get awkward tan lines. Funny how that works.  Funny how everything works. I'm in one of those moods. 

Moods are stupid. Feelings are stupid. This entire summer, I've been struggling with a certain type of feeling that I didn't want to surface for a long while. These feelings can make you do some pretty darn stupid stuff--the kind of stuff that you'd never imagined yourself doing in any other circumstance. How stupid. But it can be wonderful. 

This summer was filled to the brim with wonderful in every form. Family vacations, spending long hours doing nothing with my closest friends, Jesus highs that made me want to sing, times of desolation that made me want to scream, laughter, tears, love, heartbreak... wonderful in every form that I've ever known. 

God is amazing. I mean, that pretty much goes without saying--He always is. But sometimes, I just have to state the obvious. He's brought me yet another perfect summer. It's come to an end, only to bring the start of something new. And I am so excited. 

Call me Crazy: My Thoughts on Dating.

Sometimes I feel like I'm the only person my age who is perfectly okay with the fact that I'm single. I often see people post on facebook, pining over their lack of a romantic partner. "I need a boyfriend to make me happy and stuff."  Or  "Ohmygosh I'm so single I'm like gonna die alooone except maybe with my 27 cats." And let's not forget about how Valentine's Day has been dubbed "Singles Awareness Day." Uh. Did I miss something? Is singleness really a horrible thing? Come on.  I've never had a boyfriend. I've never been kissed. And guess what? I couldn't be happier. 

I mean, there's no need for me to have a boyfriend right now. It seems to me that there are too many people who feel that dating is all about fun and games with someone you're attracted to. Like, just dating for the sake of dating. Not only is that a pointless waste of emotions, I see relationships as something much deeper and important than that. Dating is a time for discernment. Discernment for MARRIAGE, folks. Eep! Dude, I am so not ready for that. Call me crazy, but I wanna finish high school before I start discerning marriage. 

High school's also a time to grow closer to your guy friends as friends. Ideally, high school should be a time for low pressure friendships with the opposite sex. Of course, it's definitely not always like this. But it's best for all of us. My best friend is a guy and there's really no pressure for us to date at all. And if you are attracted to one of your friends who's a guy/girl, use this time while you're in high school to develop a greater friendship with them. All strong relationships are based off of strong friendships first.  

Honestly, it's a turn off for me when a guy isn't happy about being single. It's truly pitiful when they seem to be desperate for a girlfriend. And same goes for girls, as well. Patience is attractive on anyone. It shows an important strength in their character. It also gives a person time to grow up. Because being in a good and holy relationship takes a heck of a lot of maturity. I know I'm not mature enough, yet. And there a few, if any, 17 year olds who are. 

While we're in high school, we should really be focusing on growing deeper in our relationship with God. I can't stress enough on how important this is. We were created with this God-shaped hole in our hearts. No one but God can fill it. And we were created with an insatiable thirst for love. A lot of people try to fulfill that thirst with other people, but once again, no one can fulfill this but the God Who gave Himself up for you. It's impossible. Whether it be friendships or relationships, no one can truly satisfy us like God can. 

Yes, this goes against what most of us are used to. And it's quite likely that you disagree with me. It's a different idea and it contradicts today's social norms. But guess what? We're called to be counter-cultural. We're called to go against what society expects of us because we're called to be so much greater than that. 

Love vs. Lust

Guys, meet one of the coolest Catholic people on the interwebs, Brandon. 

Boy Crazy.

A few weeks ago, a dear friend of mine called me boy crazy. I’m still thinking about it even now. I’m not entirely sure why, but it kind of hurt my feelings. Maybe because it’s kind of true. Why is that thought so horrifying?

My friend mentioned that every three weeks, I was messaging her on facebook telling her about a new boy that I fancied. Hearing her say that was like a slap in the face that woke me up to a reality that I wasn't exactly aware of. I mean, I did know that I was paying more attention to the male persons in my life more than I was used to. I just didn't know exactly how much I've actually changed from the person that I used to be.

You see, I never really cared that much about guys. To me, my guy friends were always just like my girl friends. Except grosser, smellier, and with less drama. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn't entirely disinterested in liking guys, either. I most certainly have had my fair share of crushes in my late childhood/early teenage years. But I never exactly considered myself to be legitimately “boy crazy.” I usually made fun of the type of girls who would change who they like every seven minutes. I saw them as pathetic children who need to get a life. Now I’m that pathetic child. Lord, help me.

I was always grateful for the fact that I was homeschooled because that way, I wouldn't have all that “OMG you need a boyfriend or else you will DIIIIEEE” poop stuffed in my face. Now, I don’t think my case of boy craziness is that severe, but it’s definitely more so than I would like. I was happy with being foot loose and fancy free and nearly completely careless about the male gender entirely. But now… Well, I don’t like it.

I really need to guard my heart more. I do think that God is calling me to marriage. But I’m pretty sure He’s not calling me to be all “Holy moly, I’m going to marry him. And him. And him. And maybe him, too.” Yup. Guarding my heart is something I definitely need to work on.

So alas, I will sit here and pray for my future husband and continue to build myself to be a better, stronger woman of God. I just have to continue to trust in God and His perfect plan for me. That’s what life is about right now. Praise be to Jesus. 

Meanwhile, PIER GIORGIO FRASSATI ABGIOWNGOBEING;AOJE!!!!!!!!!! Pray for us. 

Remember Me When Y'all are Rich and Famous, K?

So guys, these are some of my favorite people on this planet, the Diodati's. They are so talented and beautiful, all of them with angelic voices that blend to something near perfection. This video is one of the first that they recorded and it's definitely one of my favorites. Watch it, get hooked, and then stalk their YouTube channel. 

http://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXTshoCf_Hp5zC7KyNYDVvA/videos?view=0&flow=grid

They also make a fantastic gluten free cake.