In Which I Ramble About the Beautiful Chaos that is my Life

Marisa Clare Photography

I sincerely miss blogging. I keep saying I’ll write a post about this and that, but of course it never happens. Life is so busy, and my rare moments of down time are spent elsewhere. It used to bug me that I’ve neglected this part of my life, but I’ve just come to accept it as a thing of the past. But I do miss it, hence why I’ve returned to write again. Once more, perhaps. And maybe again in the future. We’ll see.

So much has changed in my life since I last wrote. I’m growing up, and I’m okay with that. I look forward to see what it is that God has in store for the future. The thought that graduation is in about a month and a half brings bittersweet feelings. I doubt that I’ll miss high school. My best friend is moving to Florida, though. I’m not sure I’ll ever be okay with that. The end of high school means the end of so many beautiful things. It’s a scary thought, but it’s an exciting kind of scary.

I really don’t know what I want to do with my life yet. I’ll be starting off at a community college near my house at first, and then I’ll probably move on to the University of Arizona after that. I’m entirely sure what I’ll study. Speech therapy sounds like fun. So does working in the slums of Calcutta. My life is a constant discernment of what it is that God wants from me. My future is completely in His hands. I suppose that’s how it’s supposed to be. It can be quite frustrating, to be honest. I wish He would be clearer in telling me what it is that He wants from me. My life is a constant discernment, and a never ending “we’ll see.”

I know a guy that looks like Pier Giorgio Frassati. Even better, he’s just about as holy, too. He makes me have many emotions. I’m tired of emotions. I gave up emotions for Lent. It’s not working out very well. Darn it, boy. This, like everything else, is in the hands of God. This, too, is a “we’ll see.” I’m not even sure if he reads my blog. If he does, I’m sure he’d know I was talking about him. That might be awkward. Hi, boy.

I have the most incredible job in the world. I work at a daycare near my house. I basically get paid to cuddle with toddlers. I’ve developed a strong love for the thought of God as our most loving Father. I can see why He loves us so much as His children. I know that He’s calling me to the vocation of motherhood. I see His love most when I’m caring for children. I look forward to that point in my life when I finally get to raise a dozen of my own little saints and teach them to know and to love Him.

This post really had no structure. I’d apologize, but I’m really not that sorry. It simply feels good to blog again. 

Shame on Your Adorable Face.

I'm not a swooner. I never have been. But there's something special about you. I'm not sure what it is. You make my heart beat faster and the mere thought of your never fails to bring a smile to my face. You make me happy. That's been kind of hard to do lately. So kudos. You certainly are a special one. 

I'm in the denial stage. "Face it, Rachel. You're in love with him." What? No, I'm not. I won't fall in love. My parents wouldn't approve. It's too soon. I'm too young. I don't need to add a lover to my ever growing list of things to worry about. Besides, you're too good for me. You're too sweet. Too kind. Too perfect. It can't happen. 

Shame on your adorable face for making me fall for you. I can't focus on anything. It's probably not healthy the way you make my heart beat so quickly. I'm smiling. I know I am. I always do when it comes to talking about you. I can't help it. I've fallen. For you. And I don't know how I'm going to get up. I don't even know if I want to. 

Maybe I'll just give up on it all and become a nun. 

But...
But...
But...
(Heh heh butt.) 

Mama I'm a Big Girl Now. Kind of.

As much as I love to deny it, I am growing up. My half birthday was yesterday. Not a single one of my friends threw me a party or bought me a car or anything. And not a single one of them had a very good excuse. But I forgave them anyways. 

My childhood is coming to an end. But as the countdown continues on, I'm starting to feel more and more okay with this. 

Bring it. 

But not yet. I'm totally okay with waiting 181 days. 

Oh, Hey Again.

Well, ladies and gentleman. It appears that our favorite Rachel Claire has returned to the blogging world. With the school year coming to it's much-awaited ending, I think I'm going to take up this past time again. 

Oh, hush. Don't act like you didn't miss me. <3 

Whoa, guys. Junior year is actually almost over. It's bittersweet, really. I've come to the realization that my childhood is nearly over. I'll be 18 in exactly 217 days. I'm not exactly sure how to feel about this. For one thing, I look forward to see where God is leading me in my life. I look forward to go out and serve Him in the world. I'm excited for the future. And yet, I hesitate. I don't see myself ever fully letting go of my childhood. I guess I don't like to see beautiful things come to an end. But I know that this ending is beautiful, because it's the beginning of something even greater. Bring it. 

Oh and hey guess what. I like a guy. I think. His name is HahadoyoureallythinkI'dsaythatonhere. You can be sure that he'll be the subject of future posts. Stupid hormones. 

Wait. What am I doing? I have finals to study for. 

BUT I SHALL RETURN AGAIN. RACHEL IS BACK IN THE BLOGGING BUSINESS, Y'ALL. 

February Does Funny Things to Me.

I often lay in bed at night, wondering about the poor soul who gets to grow old with me. I already care about him very much. Every single day, I pray to Our Lady, asking her to hold him close. I write letters to him and keep them hidden in a very secret spot.  It's kind of funny to think about. There's actually a guy who's going to be crazy lucky enough to love me on day. A guy who's living, breathing, digesting food... Eep. O.o 

I've always felt a strong call to be married. And holy whoa I'm growing up. I'll be allowed to actually date soon enough. It's kind of strange to wrap my mind around, but it's wonderful and exciting at the same time. But for now, I don't really let myself think about it too much. Too many emotions. I'd probably explode. 

I wonder what he's like. I already know he's insane, considering the fact that he's going to be marrying me. I only pray that he isn't too insane. I also pray that he's an exact replica of Pier Giorgio Frassati. But I suppose that one is kind of a long shot. 

No matter what, I will pray for him every single day until I meet him. And then I will pray for him every single day until I die. Every rosary I pray, every Mass I go to, I always lift it up for him. It's all I can do right now. But I'm totally okay with that. 

Zephaniah is Fun to Say.

I'm suffering from writer's block and I haven't written a blog post in awhile, so here's a list of the random poop that's on my mind. You're welcome. 

1. School. My teachers are becoming my BFF's. No seriously, we bond. I'm starting to get better at being more motivated to do things, but I'd still be perfectly happy if all of my classes decided to go die in a hole. 

2. Lifeteen is once again a part of my life. I am so excited over the fact that I've been able to go and fully participate for these past three LifeNights. And I only had a seizure once. This makes me so freakishly happy. God is so good. 

3. I can tell that this year is going to be a really good year. Sure, I've been experiencing a large roller coaster of emotions this past month, but I think that I'm starting to get more in control of all that. I just have really good feelings about this. Good feelings and high hopes for fantasticness. 

4. I got a new dresser. I'm simply thrilled about how much it brings my room together. It's all so clean and organized now! I've just got to keep looking on Craigslist for another one so my sister/roommate can share in this organized blissfulness. 

5. Pinterest is my new obsession. I love the array of creative hairstyles, nail art, DIY's, and organizational ideas. I mean, it's not like I would ever actually do any of that ridiculousness, but it's fun to look at. 

6. Two year olds are funny. It's my job to put my brother, Benny, down for a nap everyday and let me tell you: it takes mad skills. He's got this new thing where he won't stay asleep unless he's right on top of me, which is very annoying because I have things to go do and the WiFi in his room is barely even existent. 

7. I'm starting to develop quite an impressive collection of scarves. They are absolutely fantastic and I get complimented on them whenever I go out. Too bad Tucson only gets scarf weather maybe one month altogether in the whole year.

8. Doctor Who. No really. Doctor Who. Why is it so amazing? My wallpaper is currently a disturbing picture of the Empty Child. Ack! I love it too much. 

9. And Star Trek. My mom and I bond over our mutual love for this show. It's beautiful.

10. I get to go to a camp for people with disabilities this summer. Bonus? I might get to meet a friend that's in this Facebook prayer group with me, Mike. I would seriously die of happiness if this actually happened. I love meeting internet people. 

11. Some of the cashiers and other workers at Walmart know me. They give me compliments on my red high tops and laugh when I accidentally do stupid things in front of them. I don't see a problem with this. They're nice people. I can feel you judging me. Stop it. 

12. I've got a goal to get better enough to hold a job again. I want to start saving for college some more. And besides, I like working. Just not at Sonic. Never again. 

13. Cheetos are a gift from God. That is all. 

14. One of my poor future children is probably going to end up with a name like Zephaniah. I just get way too amused with saying things like that. Poor little future child. #sorrynotsorry 

15. Because I can't end my list with an even number. 

Boy Crazy.

A few weeks ago, a dear friend of mine called me boy crazy. I’m still thinking about it even now. I’m not entirely sure why, but it kind of hurt my feelings. Maybe because it’s kind of true. Why is that thought so horrifying?

My friend mentioned that every three weeks, I was messaging her on facebook telling her about a new boy that I fancied. Hearing her say that was like a slap in the face that woke me up to a reality that I wasn't exactly aware of. I mean, I did know that I was paying more attention to the male persons in my life more than I was used to. I just didn't know exactly how much I've actually changed from the person that I used to be.

You see, I never really cared that much about guys. To me, my guy friends were always just like my girl friends. Except grosser, smellier, and with less drama. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn't entirely disinterested in liking guys, either. I most certainly have had my fair share of crushes in my late childhood/early teenage years. But I never exactly considered myself to be legitimately “boy crazy.” I usually made fun of the type of girls who would change who they like every seven minutes. I saw them as pathetic children who need to get a life. Now I’m that pathetic child. Lord, help me.

I was always grateful for the fact that I was homeschooled because that way, I wouldn't have all that “OMG you need a boyfriend or else you will DIIIIEEE” poop stuffed in my face. Now, I don’t think my case of boy craziness is that severe, but it’s definitely more so than I would like. I was happy with being foot loose and fancy free and nearly completely careless about the male gender entirely. But now… Well, I don’t like it.

I really need to guard my heart more. I do think that God is calling me to marriage. But I’m pretty sure He’s not calling me to be all “Holy moly, I’m going to marry him. And him. And him. And maybe him, too.” Yup. Guarding my heart is something I definitely need to work on.

So alas, I will sit here and pray for my future husband and continue to build myself to be a better, stronger woman of God. I just have to continue to trust in God and His perfect plan for me. That’s what life is about right now. Praise be to Jesus. 

Meanwhile, PIER GIORGIO FRASSATI ABGIOWNGOBEING;AOJE!!!!!!!!!! Pray for us. 

A Little Ramble About Hats

I have found a hat. It is a lovely hat. Made of straw, with a black ribbon tied into a bow on the side. It's my sister's hat. It makes me feel really cool. Maybe that's because my sister is cool. This hat is probably how she got to be so cool. 

This hat is a fedora. Fedoras are amazing, especially if they're worn by a guy. Studies have shown that when a guy wears a fedora, it increases the guy's attractiveness level by about 87%, and then his coolness level by about 92.5%. 

More people should wear hats. It would make them to be cooler and more attractive. I've always wanted a guy to tip his hat at me. If a guy were to tip his hat at me, I would blush daintily and the rest of my week would be completely made. 

Hats are my favorite accessory. They make an outfit not only more interesting, but they also add to your classiness. One can never have too much class. Not baseball caps, though. Baseball caps aren't very classy. Acceptable in certain situations, but fedoras are great for anytime. Especially when you want class. 

Oh, and bow ties are cool. The Doctor said so. :)

Bleurph.

I like to call it my "Face of Dead Frustration." 
This is the face that happens when I have a test in every single subject all in one day. Not to mention the fact I'm not exactly prepared for any of them. 
It's the face that happens when my teachers don't answer my questions with a real answer, only a "watch this hour long recording that doesn't really have to do with the question and maybe you'll magically get it" kind of answer. 
When the internet decides to be a poop butt and either be extremely slow, or not open at all. Did I mention that I have a ton of tests to take? Oh, and essays. At least three essays to write this week. 
This is the face that happens when the house is a mess and no one is willing to help me clean up a bit. 
Or when I'm feeling fantastic all week long, but when I actually want to do something, I'm suddenly miserably sick. 
I am stressed, tired, angry, frustrated, and I just want to lie down and go to sleep and not wake up for a million years. Okay, not a million years. Maybe just a day. 
Goodnight. 
Oh, wait. I still have all those tests to take and essays to write and a house to clean. Cool..
Jesus, help me. Please. 

Blessed are the... Awkward?

I admit it. I am an awkward person. Okay, I guess it's obvious enough so I don't have to admit it. But still. 

My mom says I use the word "awkward" to describe too many things. And maybe I do, but it just fits in my life too perfectly. In fact, I'm sure God had that in mind when He created me. He created us all with our own beautiful little imperfections that make us human. One of my many beautiful imperfections happens to be the gift of awkwardness. But I like to look at it as a good thing. When you think about it, the humiliations that we're all bound to run into time and again are something that can bring us closer to heaven. 

I like to see all of the awkward humiliations that I manage to run into daily as something beautiful, an opportunity to make myself meek before my great God. Hmm. Come to think of it, maybe that's why He's blessed me with my awkwardness, because He knows that I'm prone to being prideful. I'm not going to argue with that. God knows what He's doing. 

We all have those situations where we just want to go sit in a hole, cry to ourselves, and maybe even die a little bit. It's a given. But we've just got to learn to embrace those moments: 

When your hand sanitizer makes that lovely farting sound when you're in a public place surrounded by cute boys? Look the closest one in the eye and say, "I swear it wasn't me." The guy will either laugh with you and move on with his life, or he'll be a poo poo lame brain and give you a weird look, only to never make eye contact with you ever again, which would only be his loss. 

When you trip on your maxi skirt and fall flat on your face? Stand up and say "Ta daa! And for my next trick..." Those around you will either give you the applause that you obviously deserve, or they'll just be on their guard and reach out to catch you every time you seem like you're going to tip. So pretty much, you'll either get applauded (which is great for one's self esteem) or you'll get your very own automatic-fall-preventer. It's kind of a win-win situation. 

And then there is that one situation, the one where it's just going to be awkward no matter how hard you try. Like when your bestie texts you, saying, "Is there anything wrong with babies? I mean, come on." But then your other bestie texts you, saying, "So now that you don't have a job, what will you be doing with all of your free time?" And then you manage to tap reply to the second text without noticing and think you're replying to the first text and of course that reply will be "why, poop of course." Situations such as these, brothers and sisters, you just have to accept as unavoidable awkwardness. 

I just happen to be the type of person to embrace those awkward moments. Heck, sometimes I might just make it a bit more awkward, for the sake of holiness, mind you. And maybe a bit a hilariousness, too. Because let's be honest with ourselves, here. Awkward moments are laugh out loud hilarious. I make myself laugh on a daily hourly minutely basis. I can't help it. I'm hilarious awkward. 

When I die, I'm going to be the patron saint of awkward situations and it's gonna be awesome.