In Which I Ramble About the Beautiful Chaos that is my Life

Marisa Clare Photography

I sincerely miss blogging. I keep saying I’ll write a post about this and that, but of course it never happens. Life is so busy, and my rare moments of down time are spent elsewhere. It used to bug me that I’ve neglected this part of my life, but I’ve just come to accept it as a thing of the past. But I do miss it, hence why I’ve returned to write again. Once more, perhaps. And maybe again in the future. We’ll see.

So much has changed in my life since I last wrote. I’m growing up, and I’m okay with that. I look forward to see what it is that God has in store for the future. The thought that graduation is in about a month and a half brings bittersweet feelings. I doubt that I’ll miss high school. My best friend is moving to Florida, though. I’m not sure I’ll ever be okay with that. The end of high school means the end of so many beautiful things. It’s a scary thought, but it’s an exciting kind of scary.

I really don’t know what I want to do with my life yet. I’ll be starting off at a community college near my house at first, and then I’ll probably move on to the University of Arizona after that. I’m entirely sure what I’ll study. Speech therapy sounds like fun. So does working in the slums of Calcutta. My life is a constant discernment of what it is that God wants from me. My future is completely in His hands. I suppose that’s how it’s supposed to be. It can be quite frustrating, to be honest. I wish He would be clearer in telling me what it is that He wants from me. My life is a constant discernment, and a never ending “we’ll see.”

I know a guy that looks like Pier Giorgio Frassati. Even better, he’s just about as holy, too. He makes me have many emotions. I’m tired of emotions. I gave up emotions for Lent. It’s not working out very well. Darn it, boy. This, like everything else, is in the hands of God. This, too, is a “we’ll see.” I’m not even sure if he reads my blog. If he does, I’m sure he’d know I was talking about him. That might be awkward. Hi, boy.

I have the most incredible job in the world. I work at a daycare near my house. I basically get paid to cuddle with toddlers. I’ve developed a strong love for the thought of God as our most loving Father. I can see why He loves us so much as His children. I know that He’s calling me to the vocation of motherhood. I see His love most when I’m caring for children. I look forward to that point in my life when I finally get to raise a dozen of my own little saints and teach them to know and to love Him.

This post really had no structure. I’d apologize, but I’m really not that sorry. It simply feels good to blog again. 

And My Heart Bursts out of Love for Every One of Them.

My Heart Kinda Hurts.

The crucifix at the end of her rosary dug into her skin as she gripped it tighter in her sweaty fist. She yearned for peace, yet she remained unsettled. Tears began to drip down her face So much has changed in these last few weeks. It's been so hard. She gazed down at the crucifix and sobbed. She felt lost, alone, and completely broken. She was scared. She'd already done all that she knew to do. Now it was time to sit back and wait with patience and trust. Oh, how she hated this. She fingered the rosary she held in her hands and began to pray. It was all that she had left. 

A Saint that is Just Me.

I often feel as if I have nothing to offer. I feel small and insignificant compared to the likes of those who's shadows I tend to fall under. In fact, for the longest time, I often felt as if there was never a single moment when I wasn't in someone's shadow for one thing or another. I've never felt good enough or pretty enough or holy enough for anyone. There was always somebody greater than me. Or somebody prettier. Funnier. Holier. I couldn't help comparing myself to these people. And in doing so, my opinion of myself grew smaller and smaller. 

I'm really not that impressive. When I look in the mirror, I'm never entirely happy with the person I see looking back at me. I see a girl. That less-than-perfect kind of girl. A girl with frizzy hair and pale skin. A girl who laughs too hard at jokes, or is too slow to understand them right off. A girl who loves to smile, but can't seem to ever remember to do it as much as she should. A girl who can never seem to be "good enough." Not to herself, not to others. I see a girl who messes up a lot. Like, a lot a lot. I am the epitome of imperfection. 

I really do have very little to offer. I'm not extremely talented in any way, nor am I a particularly interesting person. I am small. I am seemingly completely insignificant in this world  And yet...I still dare to desire something that I'd never thought I'd ever be able to reach. Something greater than anything that this world has to offer. There is nothing else that my heart aches for as much as the mere thought of reaching Heaven and being one with the Love of my life. Me--the silly, childish girl with nothing particularly great about her--I yearn for the greatest thing that any human can possibly dream of. I want to be a saint. 

But the greatest thing about this desire of mine is this: God wants it for me, too. Even more than I want it for myself, in fact.  I may not be the greatest, or the smartest, the funniest, the prettiest, or the holiest. I may be imperfect. I'm just me. 

But I guess that's all He asks for. 

Shame on Your Adorable Face.

I'm not a swooner. I never have been. But there's something special about you. I'm not sure what it is. You make my heart beat faster and the mere thought of your never fails to bring a smile to my face. You make me happy. That's been kind of hard to do lately. So kudos. You certainly are a special one. 

I'm in the denial stage. "Face it, Rachel. You're in love with him." What? No, I'm not. I won't fall in love. My parents wouldn't approve. It's too soon. I'm too young. I don't need to add a lover to my ever growing list of things to worry about. Besides, you're too good for me. You're too sweet. Too kind. Too perfect. It can't happen. 

Shame on your adorable face for making me fall for you. I can't focus on anything. It's probably not healthy the way you make my heart beat so quickly. I'm smiling. I know I am. I always do when it comes to talking about you. I can't help it. I've fallen. For you. And I don't know how I'm going to get up. I don't even know if I want to. 

Maybe I'll just give up on it all and become a nun. 

But...
But...
But...
(Heh heh butt.) 

Come and Gone.

Almost as quickly as it came, summer 2k13 skids to an end. I don't care what they keep telling me--how every year is the same and all that pish posh. I swear this year is going by much faster than it should. And it might have to do with the fact that it's the one year that I want to last forever. I turn 18 in 138 days. Senior year starts in a mere 5. I want time to stop, but at the same time, it can't go by fast enough. 

The early August humidity soaks into me as I ponder life and everything in it. Disgusted at the stickiness that always comes from our Tucson monsoons, I wipe the sweat from my face. I like to tell myself that my Irish skin has tanned to a darker shade of white this summer, but I know that I'm simply fooling myself. Though I still manage to get awkward tan lines. Funny how that works.  Funny how everything works. I'm in one of those moods. 

Moods are stupid. Feelings are stupid. This entire summer, I've been struggling with a certain type of feeling that I didn't want to surface for a long while. These feelings can make you do some pretty darn stupid stuff--the kind of stuff that you'd never imagined yourself doing in any other circumstance. How stupid. But it can be wonderful. 

This summer was filled to the brim with wonderful in every form. Family vacations, spending long hours doing nothing with my closest friends, Jesus highs that made me want to sing, times of desolation that made me want to scream, laughter, tears, love, heartbreak... wonderful in every form that I've ever known. 

God is amazing. I mean, that pretty much goes without saying--He always is. But sometimes, I just have to state the obvious. He's brought me yet another perfect summer. It's come to an end, only to bring the start of something new. And I am so excited. 

Oh, Hey Again.

Well, ladies and gentleman. It appears that our favorite Rachel Claire has returned to the blogging world. With the school year coming to it's much-awaited ending, I think I'm going to take up this past time again. 

Oh, hush. Don't act like you didn't miss me. <3 

Whoa, guys. Junior year is actually almost over. It's bittersweet, really. I've come to the realization that my childhood is nearly over. I'll be 18 in exactly 217 days. I'm not exactly sure how to feel about this. For one thing, I look forward to see where God is leading me in my life. I look forward to go out and serve Him in the world. I'm excited for the future. And yet, I hesitate. I don't see myself ever fully letting go of my childhood. I guess I don't like to see beautiful things come to an end. But I know that this ending is beautiful, because it's the beginning of something even greater. Bring it. 

Oh and hey guess what. I like a guy. I think. His name is HahadoyoureallythinkI'dsaythatonhere. You can be sure that he'll be the subject of future posts. Stupid hormones. 

Wait. What am I doing? I have finals to study for. 

BUT I SHALL RETURN AGAIN. RACHEL IS BACK IN THE BLOGGING BUSINESS, Y'ALL. 

1/30 Things: 20 Randoms

{To know what I'm talking about, start here}  

1. I'm madly and passionately in love with being Catholic. I wouldn't trade my faith for anything in the world. 

2. I have no idea why, but Grumpy Cat is by far my favorite meme on the interwebs. It never fails to makes me laugh. 

3. I'm no longer gluten free. I spent five days in the hospital a couple of weeks ago, trying to have a seizure (to no avail), so they could catch it on the EEG. I ate gluten that entire week and felt fine. I've been eating gluten ever since and I still feel fine. Better even.

4. I'm not longer obsessed with the number 4. It's still not my favorite number, but I don't loathe it nearly as much as I did. 

5. I have a mad devotion to the whole "to Jesus through Mary" thing. It is so beautiful. Mary holds my heart very close to her. 

6. For lent, I've given up wearing makeup. It's much harder than I'd thought it would be. 

7. I'm also writing in nothing but cursive until Easter. This, too, is much harder than I'd thought it would be. 

8 Oh. I got a Twitter. 

9. I want to be a hospice nurse when I grow up. Or an ER nurse. Or a children's nurse. Or a competitive walrus dancer. Whatever that is. 

10. Avatar: The Last Airbender is the best thing since fried rice. 

11. I declared the day Pope Francis was elected a holiday and did no school at all. 

12. My grandma made me a cow outfit for Cow Appreciation Day. No lie. 

13.  I don't like the fact that no one seems to dress up for Mass anymore. I hate the lack of reverence, especially at the Lifeteen Mass. 

14. I'm really, horrifyingly shy. People scare me to death. But I try as hard as I can to be friendly because being shy is the thing I hate most about myself. 

15. When I tell you I'm praying for you, I am praying for you. I'm not the "Oh, I'll pray for you, honey." and then go and forget about it type. No sir. I will say that I'm praying for you and then go offer up a rosary or go to Adoration for you right away. 

16. I'm am way too hard on myself. And I'm really mean to myself. I'm my harshest critic. But I'm so bad it's probably not healthy. 

17. It kind of freaks me out that I'm going to be an adult this year. My childhood went by too fast. 

18. Fanta orange soda > everything other food in the world. Besides the Eucharist.

19. Sometimes I feel like the only person in the world my age that is totally okay with being single. I'm even okay with the thought of the vocation to single life. 

20. Facebook debates amuse me. I never partake in them, but I love to watch them go. Like, I could sit back with popcorn and just watch a facebook debate on abortion between a Catholic and some person who's wrong and be perfectly entertained. 

30 Things:

I guess it's pretty obvious that I haven't been blogging very much lately. To get myself motivated to write more, I'm going to try this blogging challenge thing that I found on Pinterest. This is what the lady who made it up said: "The idea is to record different parts of my personality for my posterity, and I guess you get to know me better by default." I kind of like this, so I'm gonna try it out. And hopefully, it will get my creative juices flowing so that I might blog a bit more. :) 

THE LIST:

1. List 20 random facts about yourself.
2. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.
3. Describe your relationship with your parents.
4. List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.
5. What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?
6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?
7. What is your dream job, and why?
8. What are 5 passions you have?
9. List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how.
10. Describe your most embarrasing moment.
11. Describe 10 pet peeves you have.
12. Describe a typical day in your current life.
13. Describe 5 weaknesses you have.
14. Describe 5 strengths you have.
15. If you were an animal, what would you be and why?
16. What are your 5 greatest accomplishments?
17. What is the thing you most wish you were great at?
18. What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive?
19. If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why?
20. Describe 3 significant memories from your childhood.
21. If you could have one superpower, what would it be and what would you do with it first?
22. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?
23. List your top 5 hobbies and why you love them.
24. Describe your family dynamic of your childhood vs. your family dynamic now.
25. If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat?
26. What popular notion do you think the world has most wrong?
27. What is your favorite part of your body and why?
28. What is your love language?
29. What do you think people misundertand most about you?
30. List 10 things you would hope to be remembered for.

So yeah. I will be posting these as often as I can and then putting the links back here on this post for your convenience. (Yes, yes. You'e quite welcome, I'm sure.) 

February Does Funny Things to Me.

I often lay in bed at night, wondering about the poor soul who gets to grow old with me. I already care about him very much. Every single day, I pray to Our Lady, asking her to hold him close. I write letters to him and keep them hidden in a very secret spot.  It's kind of funny to think about. There's actually a guy who's going to be crazy lucky enough to love me on day. A guy who's living, breathing, digesting food... Eep. O.o 

I've always felt a strong call to be married. And holy whoa I'm growing up. I'll be allowed to actually date soon enough. It's kind of strange to wrap my mind around, but it's wonderful and exciting at the same time. But for now, I don't really let myself think about it too much. Too many emotions. I'd probably explode. 

I wonder what he's like. I already know he's insane, considering the fact that he's going to be marrying me. I only pray that he isn't too insane. I also pray that he's an exact replica of Pier Giorgio Frassati. But I suppose that one is kind of a long shot. 

No matter what, I will pray for him every single day until I meet him. And then I will pray for him every single day until I die. Every rosary I pray, every Mass I go to, I always lift it up for him. It's all I can do right now. But I'm totally okay with that. 

Zephaniah is Fun to Say.

I'm suffering from writer's block and I haven't written a blog post in awhile, so here's a list of the random poop that's on my mind. You're welcome. 

1. School. My teachers are becoming my BFF's. No seriously, we bond. I'm starting to get better at being more motivated to do things, but I'd still be perfectly happy if all of my classes decided to go die in a hole. 

2. Lifeteen is once again a part of my life. I am so excited over the fact that I've been able to go and fully participate for these past three LifeNights. And I only had a seizure once. This makes me so freakishly happy. God is so good. 

3. I can tell that this year is going to be a really good year. Sure, I've been experiencing a large roller coaster of emotions this past month, but I think that I'm starting to get more in control of all that. I just have really good feelings about this. Good feelings and high hopes for fantasticness. 

4. I got a new dresser. I'm simply thrilled about how much it brings my room together. It's all so clean and organized now! I've just got to keep looking on Craigslist for another one so my sister/roommate can share in this organized blissfulness. 

5. Pinterest is my new obsession. I love the array of creative hairstyles, nail art, DIY's, and organizational ideas. I mean, it's not like I would ever actually do any of that ridiculousness, but it's fun to look at. 

6. Two year olds are funny. It's my job to put my brother, Benny, down for a nap everyday and let me tell you: it takes mad skills. He's got this new thing where he won't stay asleep unless he's right on top of me, which is very annoying because I have things to go do and the WiFi in his room is barely even existent. 

7. I'm starting to develop quite an impressive collection of scarves. They are absolutely fantastic and I get complimented on them whenever I go out. Too bad Tucson only gets scarf weather maybe one month altogether in the whole year.

8. Doctor Who. No really. Doctor Who. Why is it so amazing? My wallpaper is currently a disturbing picture of the Empty Child. Ack! I love it too much. 

9. And Star Trek. My mom and I bond over our mutual love for this show. It's beautiful.

10. I get to go to a camp for people with disabilities this summer. Bonus? I might get to meet a friend that's in this Facebook prayer group with me, Mike. I would seriously die of happiness if this actually happened. I love meeting internet people. 

11. Some of the cashiers and other workers at Walmart know me. They give me compliments on my red high tops and laugh when I accidentally do stupid things in front of them. I don't see a problem with this. They're nice people. I can feel you judging me. Stop it. 

12. I've got a goal to get better enough to hold a job again. I want to start saving for college some more. And besides, I like working. Just not at Sonic. Never again. 

13. Cheetos are a gift from God. That is all. 

14. One of my poor future children is probably going to end up with a name like Zephaniah. I just get way too amused with saying things like that. Poor little future child. #sorrynotsorry 

15. Because I can't end my list with an even number. 

Boy Crazy.

A few weeks ago, a dear friend of mine called me boy crazy. I’m still thinking about it even now. I’m not entirely sure why, but it kind of hurt my feelings. Maybe because it’s kind of true. Why is that thought so horrifying?

My friend mentioned that every three weeks, I was messaging her on facebook telling her about a new boy that I fancied. Hearing her say that was like a slap in the face that woke me up to a reality that I wasn't exactly aware of. I mean, I did know that I was paying more attention to the male persons in my life more than I was used to. I just didn't know exactly how much I've actually changed from the person that I used to be.

You see, I never really cared that much about guys. To me, my guy friends were always just like my girl friends. Except grosser, smellier, and with less drama. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn't entirely disinterested in liking guys, either. I most certainly have had my fair share of crushes in my late childhood/early teenage years. But I never exactly considered myself to be legitimately “boy crazy.” I usually made fun of the type of girls who would change who they like every seven minutes. I saw them as pathetic children who need to get a life. Now I’m that pathetic child. Lord, help me.

I was always grateful for the fact that I was homeschooled because that way, I wouldn't have all that “OMG you need a boyfriend or else you will DIIIIEEE” poop stuffed in my face. Now, I don’t think my case of boy craziness is that severe, but it’s definitely more so than I would like. I was happy with being foot loose and fancy free and nearly completely careless about the male gender entirely. But now… Well, I don’t like it.

I really need to guard my heart more. I do think that God is calling me to marriage. But I’m pretty sure He’s not calling me to be all “Holy moly, I’m going to marry him. And him. And him. And maybe him, too.” Yup. Guarding my heart is something I definitely need to work on.

So alas, I will sit here and pray for my future husband and continue to build myself to be a better, stronger woman of God. I just have to continue to trust in God and His perfect plan for me. That’s what life is about right now. Praise be to Jesus. 

Meanwhile, PIER GIORGIO FRASSATI ABGIOWNGOBEING;AOJE!!!!!!!!!! Pray for us. 

Apolaustic Hullabaloo.

I know this is kind of late, but happy New Year! I am super stoked for this new year. I've got a really good feeling about it. 2012 was most certainly difficult at times, but it was beautiful nonetheless. Since God has total control, there's no doubt that this year will be, too. I'm so excited to see what He has planned out this time. 

I like new things. Whether it be a new baby, new shoes, or a new year, it all has that lovely "new" feeling to it that makes me want to breathe in deep and smile. It's so fresh and untouched; I almost want to leave it that way looking perfect and new. But at the same time, I want to dive right in and make it to be something beautiful. 

This year, I'm going to continue to grow closer to God in as many ways that I can. I'm going to find new ways to praise Him, especially through the way that I react with my family and the people that I'm around. I'm going to be a happier person and try to mentally maim fewer people than I had last year. I'm also going to try my hardest to not let this sickness bring me down. I've got to always remember that God is in total and complete control and He loves me to the point where He won't ever let me come across anything that I can't handle. 

This is the last year of childhood that I have. Don't get me wrong, I really am looking forward to growing older and stepping into this next part of life, but I almost don't want to let go of being a kid. As exciting as becoming an adult is, I really want to make the most of this final touch of childish innocence as much as I can. 

I have a feeling that this is going to be a really great year. 

*Licks Newly Braceless Teeth Obsessively*

Ketchup.

So I've been really, really bad about writing blog posts lately. I'd apologize, but in the time that I haven't been writing blog posts, I've been catching up in school and doing other productive stuff. So I guess you could say that I'm not really sorry. I'll make up for it by writing a "ketchup" post. (Get it? Catch up? Ketchup? Oh, hush. It makes me laugh.)

I guess part of the reason I haven't written much was because my life really hasn't gone anywhere lately. Actually, I have gone anywhere at all lately. I'm not exactly allowed to leave the house because my parents have this strange paranoia that I might have a seizure or something. (Pssh, why would they think that? Oh. Right.)  It's been hard. I miss going to lifeteen every Sunday to get in that little bit of social life that I had. I've been suffering from some quite extreme cases of cabin fever on and off, to the point where I don't care where I go at all. I just need to go out see some different faces. And to think that I ever wanted to be a cloistered nun. Ha. 

Being at home more has given me so much time to work harder at school. As fantastic as that is, I'm starting to get worn out. School can just go die in a hole and never ever come back ever again. Never ever. And even that would be too soon for me. I am so stressed with this semester starting to wrap up. With all of the essays and projects due and the finals to study for, I'm surprised I"m not a bald headed freak face who's lost her sanity entirely. Testing is simply not my favorite pastime. In fact, other than golf and video games, it's probably my least favorite. I swear, St. Joseph of Cupertino is going to be my BFF for the next two weeks. 

For the past month, I've also been working a whole lot harder at getting to be healthy. I'm just tired of being sick all the time. I would spend my days laying on the couch, unable to keep much food down, and just feeling downright miserable. For nearly two years. It's been a hard cross to bear. The worst part was that we couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. I went to all sorts of specialists and doctors, but everything seemed to be normal. It was frustrating. 

But as always, God is amazing and He has a reason for everything that happens to me. I did a gastric emptying study, where I ate a radioactive egg sandwich and they studied the way I digested it. Long story short, as soon as I got home, I passed out and had four seizures. We later found out that I have a disease called gastroparesis. That basically means that my stomach is partially paralyzed to the point where it can't digest the food that I eat. I now have to eat a special diet consisting of small meals with very little or no fiber or anything else that's hard to digest. It's kind of hard to wrap my mind around the fact that I've got a chronic illness that can get to the point where my stomach will shut down completely. But God has an amazing plan for me with this and I trust Him completely. I'm also glad to finally have a name for what's wrong with me. God is so good and I will continue to praise Him in every storm. 

I'm really glad that things are starting to turn out for the better. For the longest time, it just seemed like my life wasn't going anywhere. I was depressed and afraid. But now I'm starting to re-realize that God really does have a plan for me and that I really don't have to worry about anything. I'm starting to once again see the beauty of the life that God's blessed me with. I'm finally starting to grow stronger and healthier. It feels really good. 

P.S. I get my braces off in exactly one month. So freakishly excited. 

P.P.S. I'm turning 17 in 10 days. Even more freakishly excited. 

I Refuse to Grow Up

I used to walk around carting an Elmo backpack around as a purse. Adults would look at me and chuckle, eight-year-olds would say "that's dumb," and preschoolers would look on in envy of how cool I am. But alas,  the oh-so wonderful Elmo backpack has officially ripped to the point of no repair. As painfully and utterly devastating as that is, I think I've found a suitable replacement.  Bob and Larry are now my new BFFs. 

Funny thing is, my two-year-old brother is just as jealous of this one as he is the last one. Maybe this is a sign I should grow up a bit?

Nah. 

As of tomorrow, I'll be turning seventeen in exactly one month. That's a scary thought. I honestly don't feel a day over five. Okay, maybe five and a half. That's it. I think I'll change my age and turn five and a half come December 19. 

What? I can't do that? Rats. 

Even still, I will always be a small child in the arms of my loving Father. I don't plan on ever really "growing up." I'm still a kid. I guess I will have to one day grow up a bit. 

But I'm too busy playing with play-doh to grow up today. And tomorrow's taken, too. Maybe next Tuesday. But then again, maybe not. 

A Little Ramble About Hats

I have found a hat. It is a lovely hat. Made of straw, with a black ribbon tied into a bow on the side. It's my sister's hat. It makes me feel really cool. Maybe that's because my sister is cool. This hat is probably how she got to be so cool. 

This hat is a fedora. Fedoras are amazing, especially if they're worn by a guy. Studies have shown that when a guy wears a fedora, it increases the guy's attractiveness level by about 87%, and then his coolness level by about 92.5%. 

More people should wear hats. It would make them to be cooler and more attractive. I've always wanted a guy to tip his hat at me. If a guy were to tip his hat at me, I would blush daintily and the rest of my week would be completely made. 

Hats are my favorite accessory. They make an outfit not only more interesting, but they also add to your classiness. One can never have too much class. Not baseball caps, though. Baseball caps aren't very classy. Acceptable in certain situations, but fedoras are great for anytime. Especially when you want class. 

Oh, and bow ties are cool. The Doctor said so. :)

Bleurph.

I like to call it my "Face of Dead Frustration." 
This is the face that happens when I have a test in every single subject all in one day. Not to mention the fact I'm not exactly prepared for any of them. 
It's the face that happens when my teachers don't answer my questions with a real answer, only a "watch this hour long recording that doesn't really have to do with the question and maybe you'll magically get it" kind of answer. 
When the internet decides to be a poop butt and either be extremely slow, or not open at all. Did I mention that I have a ton of tests to take? Oh, and essays. At least three essays to write this week. 
This is the face that happens when the house is a mess and no one is willing to help me clean up a bit. 
Or when I'm feeling fantastic all week long, but when I actually want to do something, I'm suddenly miserably sick. 
I am stressed, tired, angry, frustrated, and I just want to lie down and go to sleep and not wake up for a million years. Okay, not a million years. Maybe just a day. 
Goodnight. 
Oh, wait. I still have all those tests to take and essays to write and a house to clean. Cool..
Jesus, help me. Please. 

Hope. He's Given me Hope.

I've fallen. My knees and my hands are bloodied and my face is drenched in tears. I hurt so badly. I collapse, letting my face hit the ground. I don't want to stand up. I just want to lie here, in a puddle of my own tears, and wait for the misery to pass over me. It seems as if life has stopped. I can think of nothing other than the fact that I've fallen. I don't want to stand back up. I know that once I get up, I'll only fall again. I don't trust my own two feet to hold me up. I just want to lie here and sleep for the rest of eternity. I'm exhausted. Mentally, physically, spiritually... exhausted. I am exhausted. I am weak. I am afraid. 

But then I feel something, a gentle tug in my face that moves my face slowly upwards. What I see knocks the breath out of me. Two hands-- hands that have worked purely in the name of love, hands that have gently caressed the faces of small children, hands that have ever so lovingly healed those who were sick-- two strong hands, nailed to a cross. Two feet-- two feet that have walked a thousand miles, that have traveled both near and far only to serve, those two feet which have walked across the stormy seas-- two feet, nailed to a cross. 

My eyes are drawn up still more, and I immediately want to bring them down again. But I can't look away. The face-- a crown of thorns pressed deeply into His forehead, blood and sweat pouring down His cheeks, his face twisted in pain and sadness. But those eyes, those dark brown eyes that look so deeply into my own, as if they're looking straight into my innermost being. I want to turn my face away, but I can't. As He looks down into my face, I am overwhelmed with emotion. 

As much as I want to just give up, looking up at Him on that cross, I know that I can't. His love never fails, it never gives up, never runs out on me. Life is hard, I feel so weak, and I just want to sit here and cry. But I'm filled with hope. Hope in that beautiful Man on the cross, that Man Who has done so much for me. I'm almost afraid to see where this path is leading me, but I know that I can get back up and continue on. It hurts and I am afraid, but once again, I am filled with the hope of His unfailing love. 

I Don't Even Know

Hi, my name is Rachel Claire Hitchcock and I am madly in love with an amazing Man. In fact, for the past couple of weeks, I even thought I might marry Him. But alas, it just doesn't seem as if that's what I'm called to do with myself. 


But what am I called to do with myself? I don't even know. That's where my mind has been, wondering exactly where I'm supposed to go with my life. Where does God want me? I'm willing to go anywhere He wants me to go, do anything that He wants me to do. He just has to lead the way. Where He goes, I'll go. But right now, it doesn't feel as if He's leading me anywhere. I feel so stuck. I'm going through the motions. I spend my life at home, either doing schoolwork or sitting on the couch. I haven't even got the energy to go out of a walk to work off my restlessness. If I did, I'd be halfway to Rome right now. But... that's not where God's leading me. 

I feel as if I've got nothing to live for. I don't even have the energy to walk across the house, much less to Rome. I have to beg my mom every Sunday just so that she'll let me stay for lifeteen after Mass. And then when I do succeed in convincing her, I always come home completely drained. But I'm so restless! It's a strange feeling, to feel so weak and without energy, yet at the same time I'm just a bundle of nerves. I'm not content as to where I am right now. I want to be somewhere interesting, doing something fantastic. 

But no. God is calling me to wait. Every day, I tell Him that I'm ready to give myself up and do something amazing for Him. I'm willing to do anything for Him. I'd happily be a missionary, a sister in one of Mother Teresa's orders, or play a part in something huge. But then He asks me to do what I hate most: wait. Such a simple thing to ask. Why am I so afraid to say yes? I want to be out there doing something, but no. I have to trust that He really does have the perfect plan for me. Jesus wants me to sit here and wait. 

So if you need me, I'll be sitting here. Waiting.