Sister Sister

My God,

You're calling my sister to You, to be Your bride. And she's running to You with her arms open, ready to serve You in any way that You desire. Her love for You is endless, and I know she will make for a wonderful bride for You. You deserve someone as amazing as my big sister. She's going to look beautiful in her habit. 

Remember when I told You that I am completely Yours? Remember how I promised that anything that I had was Yours to take? Well, I meant every word. I will continue to live up to that promise every day of my life. However, I do think I'm going to need some help.I never thought that you were going to take my sister, the one person in my life that I'm closest to. I didn't realize how hard it was going to be to let go. 

My God, grant me peace. 

You see her as she goes on all those discernment retreats with the Sisters. You protect her as she travels around the country, and You guide her so that she might one day find the order that You want her to become a part of. She follows Your calling willingly and joyfully, and she never fails to come home with a thousand stories about the Sisters and how much she loved her visits with them. She always comes home so happy. And that makes me happy. 

But at the same time, never have I been so unhappy. I know You're watching over me as I sit on my bed each night she's away, afraid of the sacrifice You're calling me to make for the sake of my sister's vocation. You see every tear that drips down my face, and You know the fears I hold in my heart. I know You hear my cries for help to let go, to let You take my sister without a moment of hesitation. But I trust You, even though it seems like You're holding back on that. I know You have a reason for letting me sit here feeling such distress over this. 

I do realize how silly and selfish I sound right now. I mean, it's not like I really have a choice. But even if I did, I would still give her up for You. You know I would. But right now, what is it that's holding me back? Why is this so hard? You're calling her to be with You. My prayer is a constant plea for You to help me find peace in this. But even as I sit in front of You in the Blessed Sacrament, but heart becomes even heavier. I feel guilty that I feel so sad about my sister responding to Your call for her. I feel like I'm holding something back from You. 

I'm afraid of losing her. My goodness, I'm like a two year old right now. I say "Here, Father. You may have anything." And then when You take it, I only pull it back with a cry of "No, Father!" Except not really. I'm not saying no to You. But I am saying that I'm afraid. I do trust that You're holding us both close to Your heart. This will be good because I know that You are good. 

I offer up all of my fears and distress up to You. I am forever Your servant. Lead the way, my Shepherd. I am Your little lamb and I will love You always. I pray for peace.

With all my love,
Rachel

My Heart Kinda Hurts.

The crucifix at the end of her rosary dug into her skin as she gripped it tighter in her sweaty fist. She yearned for peace, yet she remained unsettled. Tears began to drip down her face So much has changed in these last few weeks. It's been so hard. She gazed down at the crucifix and sobbed. She felt lost, alone, and completely broken. She was scared. She'd already done all that she knew to do. Now it was time to sit back and wait with patience and trust. Oh, how she hated this. She fingered the rosary she held in her hands and began to pray. It was all that she had left. 

And Life's Okay.

I am a mess. I've lost control. My eyes have been looking everywhere but heavenward. My mind has wandered off to daydreams and fantasies. My heart has run away from me, always keeping itself just beyond my reach. My eyes, my mind, my heart--I've let them all go. My prayer life has withered to become a vast nothing. I am empty. Broken. Incomplete. 
I stand in line for the confessional, ashamed of the long list of sins that had managed to grow in the mere six days since my last confession. My head hurts. My heart aches. It's been a rough week. 
I whisper the list of all of my sins and regrets to the man on the other side of the screen. He listens patiently, offering a few words of advice here and there, but generally just listens. My heart begins to lift slightly as he gives me absolution and blesses me. I begin to get up to leave when he stops me, with a few last words: 
"I want you to be at peace, my child." 
It was a simple thing. He's probably said it a dozen times already that day to the people before me. But it was exactly what I needed to hear. I was torn up inside and I needed healing. Through those simple words, I received it. 
I open the door of the confessional and step out into the church. As I make my way towards the tabernacle to pray, peace begins to fill my heart. Nothing has changed, really. I still have my issues to deal with at home. I have papers due and assignments to complete. Nothing has changed. But at the same time, everything has. For the first time this week, life is okay. And I'm okay. 

Shame on Your Adorable Face.

I'm not a swooner. I never have been. But there's something special about you. I'm not sure what it is. You make my heart beat faster and the mere thought of your never fails to bring a smile to my face. You make me happy. That's been kind of hard to do lately. So kudos. You certainly are a special one. 

I'm in the denial stage. "Face it, Rachel. You're in love with him." What? No, I'm not. I won't fall in love. My parents wouldn't approve. It's too soon. I'm too young. I don't need to add a lover to my ever growing list of things to worry about. Besides, you're too good for me. You're too sweet. Too kind. Too perfect. It can't happen. 

Shame on your adorable face for making me fall for you. I can't focus on anything. It's probably not healthy the way you make my heart beat so quickly. I'm smiling. I know I am. I always do when it comes to talking about you. I can't help it. I've fallen. For you. And I don't know how I'm going to get up. I don't even know if I want to. 

Maybe I'll just give up on it all and become a nun. 

But...
But...
But...
(Heh heh butt.) 

Methinks I Need Some Prayers. Please.

I'm tired. No, that's an understatement. I'm flipping ready to fall asleep right here, right now. Standing up. On a cactus. Barefoot. Which makes absolutely no sense, considering I'm spending practically my entire day either resting on the couch or taking a nap. I really want to get up and do something productive, but I have literally no energy. I feel like a total blob. 

On top of that, I've been getting these major headaches. Sometimes, my head hurts so bad, I swear I can hear it screaming in agony. It throbs. I'll often just lay on my bed and cry. 
I am so tired of all this. I'm tired of the seizures, the headaches, the lack of energy... I just wish it would all go away. 

Ugh and the STRESS of life right now is most certainly not helping anything. Oh, so much to do and so little motivation to do it! My day consisted of creating a to-do list and staring at it for awhile, thinking, "Wow. I have a lot to do. Oh well." 

I want to get off this emotional roller coaster. One minute, I feel as if I can conquer the world. But then the next, I just want to crawl in a hole and die right there. Someone should bring me some dark chocolate. This craving is going to be the death of me. 

I'm at a total spiritual low right now, too. I seriously wish that all this would help me grow closer to Christ. I feel so far away from Him. I need to go to Adoration. 

Meanwhile, I think I'll go cry into my pillow. Hormones can go die. 

Jesus, I need help. 

Update: The Story of the Seizures

Guess what guys. I spent last night at the emergency room. Long story short, I had a seizure and stopped breathing for a few minutes. It was rough. Like always, I hardly remember a thing. Most of what happened is hazy and confusing for me. And like always, going to the hospital was absolutely not cool at all. 

Yesterday was my birthday party. We had some friends over to film the new Somebody Else's Shoes Production film "The Pirates of Duct Tape." (Coming soon to a YouTube near you.) I admit, it was a far more stressful day than I'd been used to having for the past couple of months. I mean, we were running around on a hot December day. (Even coming from an Arizonan, saying that felt weird.) It wasn't that I didn't drink enough water or I ate something that I should have as it sometimes is. I guess it was just an all around a harder day than my body could handle. 

I was feeling fine until later in the evening after nearly everyone had left. I was getting ready to put my two year brother upstairs to go to bed when I started to feel slightly dizzy and lightheaded. Being the responsible human being that we all know that I am, I lay down on the ground in case I actually passed out. At first, I thought I was feeling better and was about to get up to continue getting my brother ready for bed. But then something "ticked" in my head, which startled me, so I called out to my mom. That's all I remember before the first seizure. After I woke up from that seizure, I think I started to cry. Having seizures is extremely uncomfortable and on top of that, quite frustrating for me. 

After I'd been resting on the ground for awhile after the first seizure, I felt a second "tick" in my head. When I woke up this time, I felt very short of breath. I don't think I said anything to my mom; I was too freaked out. My head was swimming. I could hear panicked voices, but I didn't try to make out what they were saying to me. I remember that breathing in and out was getting harder and harder. And then I blacked out for a bit, only to wake up to see a couple of paramedics kneeling down next to me. My head hurt. My muscles ached. I was afraid. 

I rode in the ambulance with one of the paramedics. Wes, I believe he said his name was. He told me to let him know if I felt like I was going to have another seizure. Only moments later, I felt another "tick" in my head. I leaned over and punched Wes in the knee. He yelled to the driver, "Okay, you should probably turn the sirens on." I admit, riding to the hospital with the sirens on was pretty darn cool. At least I think it was, considering how I was unconscious the rest of the ride there. I don't remember ever arriving to the hospital or waking up from that seizure. No worries, though. I did. *insert cheesy smile here* 

Now, I don't remember a whole lot that happened at the hospital. A bunch of doctors came in to talk with me to get the story. I got an MRI scan done on my head, but that came out with nothing. They later told me that they'd drugged me with something in the ambulance to stop my seizure, so I was quite woozy the whole night that I was there. This hospital stay was pretty much the same as the past ones I've had. Just as I did then, we still ended up with nothing. We are still completely in the dark as to why I've been having these seizures. Not to mention why I wasn't able to breath. 

Please pray for me, my dear friends. I hate having seizures and not knowing why I have them. It is so frustrating. So please pray that they soon find out what's wrong with me. Many thanks. :) 

I did find out one thing, though. I learned that a hospital gown paired up with seizure hair is obviously the most attractive thing that a girl can sport this winter. Obviously. 

Ketchup.

So I've been really, really bad about writing blog posts lately. I'd apologize, but in the time that I haven't been writing blog posts, I've been catching up in school and doing other productive stuff. So I guess you could say that I'm not really sorry. I'll make up for it by writing a "ketchup" post. (Get it? Catch up? Ketchup? Oh, hush. It makes me laugh.)

I guess part of the reason I haven't written much was because my life really hasn't gone anywhere lately. Actually, I have gone anywhere at all lately. I'm not exactly allowed to leave the house because my parents have this strange paranoia that I might have a seizure or something. (Pssh, why would they think that? Oh. Right.)  It's been hard. I miss going to lifeteen every Sunday to get in that little bit of social life that I had. I've been suffering from some quite extreme cases of cabin fever on and off, to the point where I don't care where I go at all. I just need to go out see some different faces. And to think that I ever wanted to be a cloistered nun. Ha. 

Being at home more has given me so much time to work harder at school. As fantastic as that is, I'm starting to get worn out. School can just go die in a hole and never ever come back ever again. Never ever. And even that would be too soon for me. I am so stressed with this semester starting to wrap up. With all of the essays and projects due and the finals to study for, I'm surprised I"m not a bald headed freak face who's lost her sanity entirely. Testing is simply not my favorite pastime. In fact, other than golf and video games, it's probably my least favorite. I swear, St. Joseph of Cupertino is going to be my BFF for the next two weeks. 

For the past month, I've also been working a whole lot harder at getting to be healthy. I'm just tired of being sick all the time. I would spend my days laying on the couch, unable to keep much food down, and just feeling downright miserable. For nearly two years. It's been a hard cross to bear. The worst part was that we couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. I went to all sorts of specialists and doctors, but everything seemed to be normal. It was frustrating. 

But as always, God is amazing and He has a reason for everything that happens to me. I did a gastric emptying study, where I ate a radioactive egg sandwich and they studied the way I digested it. Long story short, as soon as I got home, I passed out and had four seizures. We later found out that I have a disease called gastroparesis. That basically means that my stomach is partially paralyzed to the point where it can't digest the food that I eat. I now have to eat a special diet consisting of small meals with very little or no fiber or anything else that's hard to digest. It's kind of hard to wrap my mind around the fact that I've got a chronic illness that can get to the point where my stomach will shut down completely. But God has an amazing plan for me with this and I trust Him completely. I'm also glad to finally have a name for what's wrong with me. God is so good and I will continue to praise Him in every storm. 

I'm really glad that things are starting to turn out for the better. For the longest time, it just seemed like my life wasn't going anywhere. I was depressed and afraid. But now I'm starting to re-realize that God really does have a plan for me and that I really don't have to worry about anything. I'm starting to once again see the beauty of the life that God's blessed me with. I'm finally starting to grow stronger and healthier. It feels really good. 

P.S. I get my braces off in exactly one month. So freakishly excited. 

P.P.S. I'm turning 17 in 10 days. Even more freakishly excited. 

Friendly Reminder: God is Still in Control

Don't get me wrong, I'm just as bummed as the next pro-life American Christian person about how this election ended up. But honestly, I'm starting to get pretty sick of all the "OMG-America-is-doomed-why-would-God-do-this-to-us-American-voters-are-all-stupid-idiot-poo-poo-butts-Obama-is-out-to-ruin-our-lives-we're-all-gonna-die-under-the-presidency-of-Obama-poo-poo-butt-head" Facebook statuses/tweets/etc. It was a fresh gulp of air when an occasional Facebook friend had something to say that I actually wanted to read and that people needed to hear. I've decided to share with you some of my favorites. 

I mean, yes, this sucks. But God's got a way of creating beautiful things out of crap. We have to remember that He's still in control. And yes, this does mean that we have to pray harder than ever for our country. But God has a beautiful plan. As my BFF Josh said in a Facebook status last night: "So Obama is re-elected? Well everything happens for a reason. God has some plan for him and this country and it's too soon for us to say anything. Either way I'm staying positive. Prayer always triumphs."  So true. This is one of those things where we have to trust God with blind faith, knowing that good will come in the end. 

We have to pray for our country. We have to pray even harder especially for all those unborn children who are going to suffer death as a result of this election. It's horrible, but it's in God's hands now. As one of the coolest pro-life people out there, Abby Johnson, said: "Time to pray, my friends. Time to get involved in the prolife grassroots movement. We are disappointed, but not out of fight. We will still save babies, with God's help. We will still save souls, with God's help. We are sad...but we still fight...and we pray." 

And Jackie Francois, my favorite person in the entire world and one of my biggest role models, reminds us that the life of Christian isn't meant to be easy in the first place: "Jesus assures us that we will be persecuted like Him (John 15:20), and St. Paul says, "In fact all who want to live religiously in Christ Jesus will be persectued." (2 Tim 3:12). If you stand up for Life, Chastity, and Truth, you will be mocked, misunderstood, and hated. But, Heaven is worth it!" 

And then there's Paul. (Not that Paul. I mean the other one.) I think he summed this up rather nicely: "Ok, let's stop for a second, everyone. Obama is our next president. He is NOT bent on destroying the country. He does not hate you or your religion or want to ruin America. He has different ideas about how to get things done - he might disagree with you on certain issues, some big, some small. But let us get one thing straight - he wants what is best for America and its people, and even if you think he is going to go about it completely wrong, he deserves your respect, prayers, and at least the tiniest bit of your admiration for being dedicated to this country and you, a citizen of it. Keep your emotions in check, pray, and unify under this man - because if we get stuck in the gridlock that we have faced for the last four years...we face CERTAIN suffering." 

And as a fellow blogger, CaLea Bagley, said: "Let's move forward ans a united nation, No more hate. What's done is done. It is time to stand together as the people of this great country and move forward with the faith that everything will be okay in the end." 

And besides, the world is ending on December 21, 2012. He won't even have time to do anything. So chill out.

Bleurph.

I like to call it my "Face of Dead Frustration." 
This is the face that happens when I have a test in every single subject all in one day. Not to mention the fact I'm not exactly prepared for any of them. 
It's the face that happens when my teachers don't answer my questions with a real answer, only a "watch this hour long recording that doesn't really have to do with the question and maybe you'll magically get it" kind of answer. 
When the internet decides to be a poop butt and either be extremely slow, or not open at all. Did I mention that I have a ton of tests to take? Oh, and essays. At least three essays to write this week. 
This is the face that happens when the house is a mess and no one is willing to help me clean up a bit. 
Or when I'm feeling fantastic all week long, but when I actually want to do something, I'm suddenly miserably sick. 
I am stressed, tired, angry, frustrated, and I just want to lie down and go to sleep and not wake up for a million years. Okay, not a million years. Maybe just a day. 
Goodnight. 
Oh, wait. I still have all those tests to take and essays to write and a house to clean. Cool..
Jesus, help me. Please.